My hubby and I have been married for 37 years. We got pregnant on our honeymoon. This is the first time we have been married, and truly alone, in all that time. And I’m not gonna lie, this is hard. Why? Because I have operated as “wife,” “mom,” and “homeschooling mom” all these years. And now my role has significantly changed. Wife is never changing and the role I love above the others. And, oh, I’m still mom, but in a phone call, long distance sort of way. I’m a grandma in an email, phone call, text message way, too. Because we don’t see our kids very often. Rarely, in fact. And this youngest son was our last connection to our kids and parenting. And it is just so weird. The house feels so empty. That room I was constantly annoyed with because it was like a bomb went off in it, is now empty. He even vacuumed it before he left. The walls are blank – no more flags, hats, and t-shirts covering every inch of it. No more lego creations on every surface, video games and DVDs in piles everywhere, confused with clean and dirty laundry. It was completely, 100-percent, boy room.
We have had so many experiences raising our boys. Some have been outright hilarious. Some have been frightening. But they have been times of growth and love and precious moments. And now they are all off on their own. Wow. Honestly, you stop to take a breath and suddenly 30 years have gone by. When I was in HS, I recall talking to my mom about how boring summer time was, and how I couldn’t wait for school to start so I could hang out with my friends and I wished summer would just hurry up and be over. And my mom’s reply was, “Don’t wish your life away, because one day you will be my age and wish time would slow down.” I laughed it off, but I’ve never forgotten that moment. And now I truly understand. I have seen some cute memes and tik tok videos posted online that basically say, “I wish I could turn back the hands of time. Not to undo things, but to relive those precious moments that went far too quickly.” Boy, can I relate to that.
To everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven.
And this is the time for my husband and myself, to reimagine our futures with just the two of us. We would like lots of interaction with our kiddos, but we understand they are off exploring new continents and raising their own armies. We are here, manning the homestead. And to that end, today I cleaned up and organized just a little bit. I re-organized my starter plant shelves. I organized my seeds and got my starter pots set up. After I get my back to stop spasming, I will plant my seeds. I will map out my garden. I will make sure my grow lights are functioning. I will step forward into the new paradigm of an “empty-nester.”
This time is new for us, and yet we’ve been practicing for years. The older kids have been gone more than a decade. So it’s been just three of us. Our youngest son has been pursuing his dreams and has been gone for months at a time, leaving my husband and I floundering and giggling, all at the same time. Now that all his things are gone, it changes it up just a little bit. It feels like the house is that much emptier. And boy, do we have plans for that space! And I get excited but there are tears at the back of my throat, all at the same time.
The world is careening out of control. We are bombarded by news that curls the toes, and not in a good way. We are told things that are simply non-sensical. We are given bits and pieces of truth and oh, so many lies. And how do we navigate this miasma of chaos? We hold tight to the hand of those we love. And even though my kids and grandkids are scattered, my husband is my reality and my life. We committed to one another all those years ago, and that commitment has just grown stronger. We are making plans for our garden, for our camper, for our dogs, and for us. It is sort of exciting. With a lump in my throat, nonetheless.
Today I read an interesting post. It spoke about how there is just so much ugly in the world – anger, violence, disrespect, war, famine, disease, deception…. over and over. It is almost like people are choosing the wrong thing on purpose…
There are two paths you can go by, but in the long run, there’s still time to change the road you’re on.
Stairway to heaven – Led Zeppelin, Robert Plant
In this post, the writer urged everyone to choose joy, to choose the right path. Choose to write, to compose, to dance, to sing in the rain, to love this crazy life and to be the light to others by the way in which we live. To be that example of a life well-lived.
Our son showed us a video last night. The video showed a pile on the floor of one jelly bean for every day you are going to live. I’ve lived over twenty-three thousand days. That’s a pretty big pile of jelly beans, so far. I’m hoping for ninety, so I have another 20,000+ to go! How many days did I waste? How many spent doing absolutely nothing of consequence? The video broke down bathroom time, TV time, relationship time, even how much time you will spend commuting! It brought me to a sobering moment – of the waste of what God granted to me.
Francis Chan is an evangelical pastor. I happen to like his approach. A lot of people do not like him because he keeps straying from his “lane” and sliding over into mainstream beliefs and he’s dissed the evangelical movement a little here and there. He’s sort of a spiritual rebel and I gotta say, I like it! The photo above is when he spoke about “what are we preparing for?” and he showed red paint at the end of a long rope. In his explanation, he said we spend so much time worrying about the red section and then we forget about all that length of rope, representing eternity. The red section is our time here on earth. It is very short. In light of eternity, it is miniscule. But we focus on paying bills and getting married, buying the right house and driving the right car. Some women collect purses or watches. Some men collect guns or sports memorabilia or fishing trophies. It is pretty insane. We seem to put our investments where our heart lays. Where is your investment?
I have been digging into my soul today. There are corners that need to be mucked out, that is for sure. Great Lent is just ahead. The readings for the Pharisee and the Publican were just read in Church. And once again I had to look at myself from the perspective of the Pharisee, and Publican, both.
Now he also told this parable to some people who trusted in themselves and told others they were righteous, and viewed others with contempt. “Two men went up to the temple to pray; one a Pharisee and one a tax collector. The Pharisee stood and began praying in this manner to himself: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other people: swindlers, crooked, adulterers, or even this tax collector. I fast twice a week and I pay tithes all that I get.’ But the tax collector, standing some distance away, was even unwilling to raise his eyes toward heaven, but was beating his chest, saying ‘God, be merciful to me, the sinner.’ I tell you, this man went to his house justified rather than the other one; for everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted.”
Luke 12:9-14 (NASB)
Do I attend church so others can see me pray? Do I perform gestures or dress in a certain way as to gain approval from those around me? Or do I attend church because I need to be there?
The church is not a hotel for saints, it is a hospital for sinners.
St. Augustine of hippo
For me, finding God has been pretty much a lifelong pursuit. I have been baptized seven (7) times – you read that right. Seven times. Why? Each time my parents changed churches, we were baptized again. Because each time it was a different denomination of Protestant. Guess they didn’t trust the other guy. When I entered the Catholic Church, the priest and I met many times. He asked me about baptism and confirmation and any other sacraments I may have had. When he learned of all my baptisms, he asked if I had been baptized as an infant and I let him know that I had – St. Peter’s By The Sea Episcopal Church in Rancho Palos Verdes, California. He said, “Yay! Trinitarian! We’ll take it!” I thought that was hilarious. But that started me onto another path, searching for God.
I had an interesting chat with a friend’s mom yesterday. She told me she had left the Church for 17 years and the infant son of her daughter brought her back. And she discovered Christ in the Tabernacle. She knows, with no doubt in her heart, that Jesus is there, always. And she visits Him often. She worries for her daughter, because she no longer attends Mass, but I assured her the faith was there, just not the practice. She may not attend Mass, but my friend is a prayer warrior! Their pathways are different, but their common goal is Christ. And although many of us worship differently, we all share a common belief in Christ.
I really hate arguing about faith details, because to some, your salvation is judged by the denomination of the church you attend; how believers look down on you if you are not of their particular persuasion. People are becoming more and more black and white – judgmental. I am trying, as hard as I can, to be more accepting of others. To ignore, or look past the package, and see the person. As far as I believe, we are all endeavoring to make it to the presence of God in Heaven. The route might be different, but the goal (as I said before) is the same. I would propose we support one another in our chosen pathway, and assist as best we can. There are people who purport to be Christians, but they do not treat others like Christ would. They neither support nor encourage our walk with God. And that, my friends, is sad. Heaven is a big, big tent. None of us have been there and returned to explain the details. We all have the Scriptures and various preachers telling us how to proceed. Well, proceed with caution!
Woe to the shepherds who are destroying and scattering the sheep of My pasture! declares the Lord.
Today it is blowing snow. We are expecting up to 5″ just this afternoon. And we are supposed to get 2-3″ every day over the next week. The sun must be up there because we have “light” but it is hard to see the back fence. I know the sun is there, because I have seen it. I have spent gloriously sunny days mucking about in my garden. I know the brightness and the warmth of the sun on my head. I know the tingle my skin gets when I have had too much sun. And today, in a pretty crazy snow storm, I am choosing the joy of the sun! I know it is there, even though I cannot see or feel it. I know it is there.
God is there. Always. The King of Heaven, who hung on the cross for me. He is there always. Like my friend’s mom believes when she visits the tabernacle – He is there. And so today, it is a joyful day. Among the muck of the world and people losing their freedoms, shortages on the market shelves, and the black and white of it all, and all this snow – both God and the Son are there. So today, I am joyful.
I have chosen to view my increasingly naked scalp as just another leg in my 65-year journey, to date. As that awful saying goes, “It is what it is.” The back of my head is showing more and more, but there are some baby hairs. They are white, so my scalp looks naked, even with hair. When I was an infant, my hair was snow white. In fact, it looked sort of pink because my scalp showed through it. My mom used to use Caro Syrup to glue a bow onto my head so people knew I was (a) a girl, and (b) not bald. LOL. Perhaps my scalp/hair has come full circle. I have done a lot to my hair over the years. Some experiments worked out, a lot did not. I fell asleep in college with one of those hats on where you pulled the hair through and colored it in sections. I was adding blonder highlights. My roommate came home and woke me up because all she could see was “clear” hair. I was devoid of all color. We rushed to her mom, who worked at a local drug store in the cosmetics department (and actually knew her stuff) and she calmed me down and got pure color for me to add to my hair, in stages. It took all night. But I was a normal blonde by the end of it! I’ve been lots of shades of brunette. My favorite was “cedar red brown.” Dark brown with red highlights. Loved it. It was gorgeous in the sunlight. Now two of my granddaughters have red-toned hair! I also have a brunette and a golden blonde, and a light blonde granddaughter (5 in total) with a tow-headed grandson. I love the rainbow of genetics! I also love curly hair because mine is so not curly. It hardly holds a curl. I used to sleep in sponge rollers in high school. But by the time my first class started, it was straight. I gave up. LOL. But as an adult I have had several perms. My plan is to get my hair back and lightly wave it, with some purple for spice. You only go around once – may as well have fun. My boys do not like my hair permed. But they are all grown up with their own wives. I figure I can do what I want now! My husband is so patient. God bless that man. He says he doesn’t care, so long as I am happy with it. So blessed. Been together 39 years and married for 37 of them. He is my rock.
Yeah, I have lost 70% of that hair up there in that photo from last summer! LOL. Oh well, onward and upward…
As I was looking back at photos, and noticing my hair (how vain is that??) I also noticed clothing trends. I have never been a salacious dresser. I never wanted to bring attention to myself. If I have a lower-cut blouse, I wear a tank top underneath, to cover any cleavage. My mom had a mastectomy and she had these little inserts that hooked around her bra straps to hide her scars. I thought those were an awesome invention. And today in my newsfeed I was horrified to see photos of the new “Deputy Assistant Secretary of Spent Fuel and Waste Disposition for the US” who Bydan nominated. He/she wears skirts and heels and has a list of preferred pronouns. He/she even posted a video about their preferences. And he/she now has the national stage. Ugh. And I come back to why??? Why???
There are a lot of photos of this person floating around the internet today and I am sick to my stomach. Since when did so much pornographic material make its way onto our newsfeeds, and it is deemed allowable? There are shots of them in various costumes doing various things that used to be unheard of, and certainly behind closed doors. My brain cannot unsee that, now. It is forever burned into my memories. And I feel assaulted. Reactionary? Maybe. But when did this become ok? I remember how TV got raunchy with the soap operas. And movies…there were some that crossed the line from soft-porn to mainstream and somehow we lost that line. I was recently blown away when I watched a program on Netflix and there was blatant sex, naked breasts and behinds, and every other word started with “F”!!! I could barely stomach it. How did this happen?? America??? Where have our standards dropped to now?
The works of the flesh are manifest , and they are fornication and uncleanness…and things like these. As to these things I am forewarning you the same way as I did forewarn you that those who practice such things shall not inherit the God’s kingdom.
Let fornication and uncleanness of every sort or greediness not even be mentioned among you.
Deaden, therefore, your body members that are upon the earth as respects fornication, uncleanness, sexual appetite.
We are afraid to impose our Biblical standards of faith and morals upon society at large. Why? They are certainly imposing their views upon us. Once upon a time, actors and plays were looked upon as lower class or dirty. The people would not normally be seen with them outside of a performance. In many countries (Japan and China among them) actors’ troupes were also a form of sexual slavery and the females were kept in bondage and used to curry favor with nobles, to allow performances in their regions. In fact, acting was considered to be below women (to protect their reputations) and most of the parts were acted by men in women’s attire (gee, I wonder what that did for male role models??). The females in the troupes were there to service men – clean the costumes, feed them on the road, and take care of all their sexual needs. They were not equal to the men. Even in the early days of film, actors were hosted at events as oddities. The idea of them being celebrities did not happen until the 40s and 50s. And now? Actors, who pretend for a living, are considered experts on everything from health care to climate change to politics and abortion. They pretend for a living. Remember? They get paid to act. So much of what we see is just a performance. Want to go down some rabbit holes? Look into actors and what price so many have paid for the fame they love so much!!
As most of us know, the media is not our friend. It does not treat us with honesty. It is constantly spewing images at us that do not build the Kingdom of God. When I was a child in the 50s, you could not show a married couple sleeping in the same bed on TV or the movie screen. I love Lucy was one of my favorite shows. But it was also advant guarde in the way in which it showed two new images to the American audience: (1) Lucy was pregnant on TV. The first woman who was not block-filmed to hide their pregnancy (2) the bedroom. Their separate beds gradually moved closer and closer until they were next to each other. Separate blankets and sheets but they were next to each other. And that opened the flood gates for more and more that was then deemed “allowable” in our living rooms. Lucy Ricardo and the actress who played her were both staunchly left and all about women’s rights. Nothing was a mistake on that show. And oh so many others. We let it in, little by little, until it became an ugly beast. And now it is everywhere in almost everything. “Sex sells,” as the saying goes.
There is so much being done to desensitize us. The lyrics in songs, the ads we see, the shows we watch, the books we read. I have recently gone through my kindle and deleted so many books that I realized were not building me up towards the Kingdom of God, but were rather taking me away from my faith. As I looked for books to read that were fun, but clean, I realized I had to change my parameters and read only YA, or Young Adult. Most of those don’t even have bad words, let alone detailed sex scenes or violence. Each of us has to decide what we will allow into our minds, into our homes, and into our lives. The Lord was pretty strong about pornography and licentiousness.
The lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life is not from the Father, but is from the world.
If you ever want to see a map of where our culture is headed, just read up on the end of the culture of Rome. You know the saying, “Nero fiddled while Rome burned”? Well, Nero was fiddling around alright. He sent soldiers to burn out the Christian communities from Rome. Deep in the city, fires were started to run the Christians out of town. Nero was losing his numbers in the stadiums. Sacrificing the Christians to the lions wasn’t holding its charm. The people were tired of the deeply imbedded caste system and were tired of their overlords. Nero was a sick and evil man. He was from a long line of them. But pushing the Christians out, burning down half of Rome, did not have the desired effect. Many things caused the collapse of Rome and Roman culture worldwide. Nero and his debased lifestyle and his evil ways were a part of it, for sure. And if we look around us, we have stadiums filled with eager fans. Have you researched the prices for seats at the upcoming Super Bowl? It is blatantly disgusting. While people are out of work and suffering under stupid mandates, apparently it is ok in CA to cram 1000s of people into a stadium, as long as they pay the right price. What price are you willing to pay? The purity of your daughter? The lost childhood of your grandchildren? The closed doors of your Church? The evil in our capital??
My husband and I are watching the series, “The Hunger Games,” over again. In light of our current world, that series is almost prescient – like a forewarning (see Galations 5:19-21 again) we have been given about what our elites are planning for us. Maybe I see danger in every dark corner. Maybe I love conspiracy theories. Maybe I just took my blinders off and when I did, I did not like what I saw.
Perhaps we need to put our money behind what we believe. Watch out who you spend your hard-earned dollars supporting. So many companies are bad from the ground up. The recent brew-ha-ha (however you spell that) with Joe Rogan and Spotify got really interesting when it was revealed the CEO of Spotify is on the board of Moderna – yeah; the same company that makes all those vaccines. No wonder they want someone like Joe silenced. But there are so many out there spewing facts and truth, that the narrative is slowly crumbling. Our dollars do make a difference. We can opt to fund things like the Trucker movement that is now worldwide. We can put our money to support the pro-life movement. We can stop shopping at the big box stores and support local businesses. We can support local farmers and eat local (we recently bought 1/2 cow from a local farmer! We know the meat will be good and we know where it comes from. No franken-meat for us!) We can influence for the good. We can outlast and out speak the evil in this world. Less that 3% of the population is aberrant insofar as Christian morals and principles are concerned. That means that 97% of the world believes in Christian values. And those statistics hold up in the USA!! Why do we allow the small minority to run our world? Our Country? Our towns and cities?
Evil is here. We see it more and more every day. We believe in Godly principles. We pray. We call ourselves Christians, and yet, here we are.
I love that line from Gone with the Wind. Scarlett is at her wit’s end with everything happening in the war and she vows to “never go hungry again.” When taken in light of all the things going on in our world today, I would think this would be a good memory to bring to the surface once again. All war is ugly. And pretty much all wars are begun because someone wants something someone else has. Be it land, power, money, and in the old days, a woman…lots of reason to attack another tribe outside your own. In modern times it has been for control of worldwide money, the poppy fields (ever wonder why George Bush’s nickname was Poppy??) or the old fields, or Muammar Gadafi’s gold. Or all those records in the famous 9/11 towers. I know, you probably think I’m crazy – one of those conspiracy nuts. Well, I may well be. But I am learning all the time. And I have learned that I have been lied to – so very many times. By my teachers, my university, the television nightly news, politicians, my government, my church, the medical profession. Lies everywhere. It’s almost like they all follow a common narrative. Gee…wonder if they do?
Quite a number of years ago, in fact when the Twin Towers were destroyed, I was so thankful to God that George Bush was our President. I felt so safe with him at the helm. Photos of him at the site with the first responders and our flag brought tears to my eyes. Our country had been attacked and we were going to defend ourselves. It was actually sad and glorious at the same time. Back then, big media had it on blast 24/7. Our troops were assembled and sent on a mission to get those who attacked our people on our own land (because except for Pearl Harbor, it was an unknown thing to America!). And then it just stopped. We were told it was too traumatic for us to see it anymore. And that’s when I chose the red pill – the one that wakes you up, out of your everyday-ness slumber and acceptance pattern. I started to read more. I started to think, outside the MSM feed on my TV. I was raising teenagers at the time, so my life was full without the news cycle. But honestly, that red pill led me to my first “rabbit hole” and down it I descended. Been pretty much mucking around ever since, turning over stones and looking into crevices and being hurt, shocked, disappointed, and angry all at the same time. Sometimes the truth hurts. A lot.
The world is in a downward spiral. I see it all around me, every, single day. The news I allow into my head confirms it. Don’t forget, we can control what information we are fed and by whom. And, you don’t have to accept a single word said to you by anyone. Due diligence requires us to question everything. I am not an infant needing to be spoon-fed. I am a rational, thinking, capable adult. What a concept! I am allowed to question the narrative anyone spews at me – left, right, and anywhere in between. Unfortunately, so few do question the narrative. I have said this to countless people, but I really believe technology has made our brains lazy. We accept the post-it-note, headline grabbing, Clift-notes version of reality – and we don’t question it. “It must be real, it’s on the internet” or “It must be real, it was on CNN”!! Laughable. Wikipedia is a prime example. No experts write that site’s information. It is put together by anyone and everyone who wants to add information. Is it vetted? C’mon, man! Today was a good example. Sarah Palin is suing the New York Times. They printed false information connecting her name to gun violence. They retracted it within the next 2 days on Twitter, and other social media, including their web site, but they did not pull that edition. Today’s coverage of her appearing in court was laughable. The articles I read (I read at least 4 versions) stated that, although she was unvaccinated, she was seen without a mask, at local NY venues. Two weeks ago she tested positive for covid and was still brassy enough to appear in public! They went on about her vaccine status and covid status for paragraphs and finally got to why she was in court in the first place, and in NY no less, at the very end. The by-lines and titles were salacious and slanderous, focusing on her health and not on the court case. They used to call them “rags” or “gossip sheets” in the old days, but these were mainstream news outlets. Our “news” and our information is so slanted and with such an obvious narrative, we rarely get to the meat of the information, let alone the truth. So why bother?
Unless you are totally unplugged, or only listen to CNN, you must have heard about the truckers in Canada protesting the vaccine mandates. They are peaceful. They are supported by the citizens of Canada all along the route. Videos show people handing out sandwiches. One business moved its pizza ovens to a tent to bake pizzas for the truckers. Many more citizens are standing in the Canadian winter’s cold with signs and music and applause, supporting this movement. There are people who are vaccinated and those who are not, standing shoulder to shoulder, both claiming mandates are not the way to go – they are claiming “personal autonomy.” Much like the pro-abortion folks claim, “My body-my choice,” but do not extend that to mandatory chemical injections for the flu. (Sorry – I had it so bad in October/November that I was hospitalized and am now still suffering the aftermath, and I still believe it is just another SARS infection – a version of a flu). The truckers in Canada have been joined by those in 5 or 6 European countries, South American countries, the continents of Africa and Australia. They are even trying in NZ. And now, there is a convoy in the USA. It starts in CA and goes through TX and up to DC. They are going to try and disrupt the Super Bowl. You just never know what people will do after two years of lockdowns and “two weeks to flatten the curve.” Enough is enough.
Surrounding this trucker thing is a myriad of theories that are off to the side, but grabbed my interest for a hot minute or two. There are links that go from some big names in Canada back to the Soros organizations. Apparently there were permits or something required for these truckers and the organization/person who facilitated and helped fund much of this is part of the Soros machinery. And that by stopping truckers from delivering much needed food and supplies, Soros is managing to corrupt the economies of regions and countries, while emptying shelves and bringing production of goods and services to a grinding halt. Here in Alaska, we rely on trucking for a huge percentage of all our food and supplies. We produce 5% of our needs. Not good odds. (Which is a good reason for prepping as a way of life). We have roughly 3 days of food on our shelves. We have about 3 days of fuel at our gas stations. We have one main port here in the southwest, Anchorage, and that port is aging and could shut down in a moment’s notice. And when the trucks don’t run, the trains don’t arrive, and the barges don’t come, we feel the pinch right away. Being at the end of the food supply train is no joke, my friends.
I have been increasingly aware of the dire state of affairs, looking from my safe space here in the Last Frontier. When I see some of what is happening, I am ever-so-grateful I live away from the glare of mainstream USA, or what we lovingly refer to as “the lower 48.” I am separated by Canada. You have to drive through an entire country, or take a long ferry ride, or fly quite a few hours to get here. And I like that buffer most of the time. However, it is more costly to live here because everything is shipped (which is why Amazon Prime loves us) and that also makes us more vulnerable. We already have empty shelves. Prices have gone way up. Now we are told there is a shortage of motor oil. Of all things.
I received an interesting email this morning. And it sort of started me thinking in this vein, or theme of this post. It spoke to the immense oil find that our President knew about in 2006. Who would that be you ask? Yep; George Bush. Oil family man. Connected to lots of interesting people. And this oil is valued at trillions of dollars and is trillions of barrels. It would make us energy independent for 2,041 years or more. It would fund the entire economy. It is called the Bakken and Three Forks formations in Montana and North Dakota, up through to Canada. The government has known about this since 2006 – through Bush, Obama, and Trump. And look at what Biden is doing with our oil these days? Pumped gas lately??? To be fair, Bush ordered extraction to begin in August of 2005. The original report was written in 1995 and this 2006 report was just an “update.” The government, because it was presented to the legislature, has known about this for DECADES. Since good old Bill Clinton was President. Do you feel lied to, just a little bit??
I haven’t really gone down the “rabbit hole” of the entire Covid narrative, let alone what a debacle the vaccine is, nor the mandates. The entire lockdown thing – “two weeks to flatten the curve” and “masks for everyone” and “social distancing.” The issue of children being unable to see faces and how this has affected their reading, their language acquisition, their psychological development, and so much more. There are so many documents that prove the harm these things cause. There are countries abandoning the entire narrative. Do you know why?? Lawsuits who name names and charges like “crimes against humanity,” “assisted suicide,” and “second degree murder” – the elites are running scared, and the narrative is crumbling.
Once these narratives begin to crumble all around us, and more and more people choose that red pill of truth, there are going to be massive numbers of people who are depressed and angry and suicidal. I know; I was there. And often I still find myself not wanting to leave my house, I am so angry at the world and all the lies and manipulations. I could give you lists of things to research but the list is massive. Try Operation Mockingbird or Operation Paperclip. Those were big for me. Why did Donald Rumsfeld declare on September 10th that there were $2.3 trillion missing from the Department of Defense and the following day, why did the exact office containing all the data referring to that missing money have a rocket detonate into it (You still don’t believe it was a plane that skidded on the ground do you? Look up videos!) as part of the staged 9/11 attack? Why did he resign later in 2006? Things that make you go…”hmmmmm”?!
In all these issues, God wins. Truly. But it is up to us to dig in and realize our future is in our hands. We can go with the flow, or we can be that stick in the river, standing against the tide. We can simply just not comply with the narrative. If enough people just say “no” and plant their gardens and prepare to hunker down, violence is unnecessary. The world would come to a standstill and the only activity would be the elite, scrambling to safety. Stand your ground. Say no. Stop being a pawn in the game of the elites. Be true to who you are – a child of God.
Remember – the elites only have the power we allow them to have. This is all a game of slight of hand and tricks. We are only free when we exert our freedom upon them. The governments are created “for the people” and when they no longer serve the people, they need to go. That swamp? It is so wide and vast and deep. But it can be drained. So when someone thinks they cannot make a change because they are helpless and become hopeless, remind them we have an army behind us. God’s army. God wins. Period. But please, wake up. Look around. Then join the peaceful people who are just trying to say “no” and “enough is enough.” And when you look derisively at a “conspiracy theorist,” know that they are trying to help you, to share with you an alternate route to information. Question everyone and everything. Research for the truth. Listen to alternative sources. Then discern and pray. And never forget, as the narratives around you continue to crumble, there are like-minded people, and God’s entire army, standing alongside you.
So I had Covid. And I had a pretty serious case of it. I am still dealing with the after-effects. One of them, diabetes, is a daily issue. I got a “Fitbit” that I wear all the time. It logs my sleep, which is fascinating and is actually helping me get a better quality of sleep, as well as steps, movement (when I use my cycler), food intake, water consumption, and so much more. It also monitors my O2 saturation, which since Covid, is important to me. It is worth every penny. I discovered I was allergic to the band it came with, and that is apparently very common, and so I was led to a collection on Amazon of bands that are colorful and fun. And so it has become a fashion accessory, as well as a tool I depend upon. I am now used to the buzz it gives me when I need to move (more steps a day) and when I have a text or phone call. I log my blood sugar every morning and it reminds me to check it, as well as reminding me to take my medication. You can set goals and you get badges when you achieve one. I recently got a badge for 10+ pounds lost and over 26 miles in my steps and exercise. I get a notice that I need to wind down for the day and prepare for sleep. It reminds me to check in with the groups I have selected to belong to. It reminds me to eat healthy foods.It posts recipes to try and exercises I might like. It helps keep me on track about my complete health. Honestly, it’s almost like a nagging wife on my wrist! But I love it. I have learned so very much about myself and this stupid disease, as well as how I can combat it and get healthier. Fitbit for the win!
The Fitbit has helped me to gain control of diabetes, and my overall health, which was spiraling out of control. I am obese. Clinically obese. Yuck. The term sends shivers down my spine. The severity of Covid and its aftermath are solely my fault. If I would have been in shape and had my health under control, I would have breezed through it. I think. LOL. Covid – most infections – love sugar. And diabetics have it in every cell. So I fed the infection. The nurses did not push me to eat in the 6 days I was hospitalized. They said fasting was probably good because it was allowing my body to divest itself of an over-abundance of blood sugar, which would in turn, help overcome the illness. It was a lesson in consequences. Every bite matters. Every still moment of couch potato life, or in my case, recliner life, add to my ill health. And I am happy to say, I am learning so many lessons. Even at my grandma-era state of life – I am still teachable!
One of the things “post-Covid” that is finally being talked about is hair loss. Especially in women. Well, I can tell you I have had a few cry fests, dealing with all the hair I am losing. My ears show through my hair on the sides. If I towel dry my hair, it is so thin I have no time to blow dry it; it’s already dry. There is a bald spot on the crown of my head in the back. This is NO JOKE. I went 4 days this last week, between washing, to rest my hair. When I got into the shower, it was coming out in bunches thicker than the photo above. I had to clear the drain before I could finish showering. Then, when I combed through my wet hair, the hair that fell out literally filled the sink. I am not kidding. There is no mathematical way it can keep this up and it not show. I am beyond depressed about it. Let’s face it – Covid, diabetes, and now going bald. Ugh. My hair is all over the place. It is on the furniture. It gets stuck in my standard poodles’ hair. I have found it in the food I am cooking. It is all over the carpeting and the floors. I have globs of it on my chair and my pillow. Honestly, it is everywhere, but on my head. And I am angry I still have to shave my legs and armpits. I have weird gray hairs in my eyebrows I have to corral. I have a mustache and slight beard I have to keep shaved. So my body can make hair. Post-menopausal women get more hair in weird places that grows so weird. Why can’t it stay on my scalp????
According to my research, this is called “telogen effluvium” and this is hair loss related to stress. Apparently having a major life event, like childbirth or an illness, can cause hair loss. For some it is barely noticeable, for others it is pretty substantial. Many women are reporting top of the head as their most common site of hair loss. Mine is all over. I have consulted a hair stylist I trust (my sister-in-law – thank you Missy), a homeopath, and several sites devoted to this post-Covid experience. A friend of mine, who is also suffering from this phenomenon, told me it lasts 4-6 months. Another friend, who also had this, said her doctor told her it is becoming more and more common, even though it was poo-poo’d at first. Doctors are not treating any of this Covid issue with honesty. And it makes me even more angry. But that is for another post. This post, I am solely dealing with the aftereffects of Covid. And there are many. But I have to say, this hair thing is what is the most trying… even more than diabetes. Why? Oh boy…
I already stated that I am overweight. Now, to most people, this is just another attribute of who I am. I have been heavy for over 30 years. Before I was married, I weighed 115 lbs and wore a size 6. My wedding dress was an 8 to incorporate my chest and had to be altered the rest of the way down. LOL. I got pregnant on our honeymoon and have struggled with my weight ever since. When I was a teenager, I was walking to the beach and a guy rode by on a bike and grabbed a breast and said, “Nice set of ta-ta’s” to me. I was mortified. I cried. I went back to the beach house we were staying at and the father of my girlfriend, when I explained why I was crying, said to me, “Well, you are wearing a tiny bikini and a towel. Everything is out there. Didn’t you want that attention?” And I have never forgotten that. Thank you, Mr. Raymond. It was a good lesson for me. I was 15 at the time – that was 50 years ago. I have always had a poor self-image. Even when thin, my dad once said to me, “You have a wonderful hourglass figure. It’s too bad all the sand is at the bottom. Your time is running out.” I was a freshman in high school at the time. I have never forgotten that. It fed my body dysphoria. I never wanted men’s attention because of my body. I have had to tell men, more than once, “My eyes are up here.” Consequently, I never wanted to have a provocative figure. So when motherhood came upon me, I hid inside of it. Still do. Through all these stupid body-image issues, I always had nice hair. No matter how heavy I became, my hair was always nice. I was complimented on it by hair stylists all the time. And it became important to me. And this is the rub: when you are overweight, people do not see you. Truly see YOU. They scan over you, but very few see you. I can wear make-up (which I never do) and no one notices. I am now wearing a size smaller than I normally do – only my husband has really noticed. I can get new clothes, even new glasses, no one says anything except very close family or friends. I went from purple frames to grayish black. No one but my family noticed. And so here I am, dealing with losing the one attribute I felt proud about. I am regaining my health and losing weight – that is an amazing thing. But darn it with the hair loss! I am sick over it. I am trying to get it under control. A friend recently told me I had a poor self-image. She noticed I would alway say that I was unable to do things I had never tried before. I just assumed I could not do them. And that I was defeating myself before I got started. I needed to hear that. She also said, “We are both losing our hair from Covid. There is nothing we can do about it. Don’t cry about something you have no control over. Deal with it. Summer is coming. Your hair will grow back.” I needed those words, too. My husband, whom I love more every day, said, “Look on the bright side, maybe it will grow back curly like you want and you can color strands purple if you want.” God bless that man. He even offered his beard hair to me (he is bald himself). He’s such a good man. And so, I need to learn to let these hairs just fall off. Let them go. Be humble. Be strong. Be bald if that is what God wants for me. (Maybe I can get fun wigs?? LOL. Side thought…)
And the other part in all this? I know every hair on my head is counted. Every single one. God has a purpose for this. I am still growing and learning, even as I approach old age; even as I am considered old by society (yeah – just got Medicare, too. LOL. Everything at once!!). And so I am laying this all out there, from learning to be more fit and using new tools like my Fitbit and my cycler, to dealing with significant hair loss as a woman. I am learning to eat good, wholesome and locally grown foods. I am learning to “eat to live not live to eat.” And to use food as nourishment, not medicine. The Lord has all of this in His Hands. And I believe in Him above all else. I trust the God who knew me before I took my first breath, and Who counted all the hairs on my head.