I am learning almost every day. Which is a good thing. We need to keep learning or we start dying. And when you run into that brick wall called Alzheimer’s, we get to see what that really means. You cannot learn new things with any degree of clarity or competence. You can learn, yes. The results are spotty, at best.
That is a woman’s wallet. My mom used one of these for years. It is practically falling apart. She asked for a new wallet. Something easier and smaller to use.
This is the type of wallet she chose. We sat and moved all her things to the new one. She was pleased because it would fit into her new purse so much easier. She chose a brown one so it would not show the dirt.
I cannot fully express the drama this small change has made. It changes the entire tenor of what is coming next, or what it is we are moving towards. Maneuvering through the process of purchasing something was pretty awful. She cannot find anything in this little wallet. She actually kissed her old wallet when we got home. So I am thinking of getting rid of the new one.
One day, it was socks. Hers did not match her trousers. No one would see them, because she was wearing boots, as well. But she was miserable. I remembered my tan trouser socks and gave them to her. It changed everything. I hid all her pantyhose and knee-high hose. The confusion having a choice makes is beyond her. I have taken to laying out her clothing and she just puts it on. Normally it goes smoothly. When it came to putting on knee-high panty hose versus trouser socks, we had a little problem…so I removed the problem. I should have paid attention to myself. Ha-Ha.
I thought it would be fun. I had purchased a movie. Mom and I are home alone most nights this week, so I thought, “Let’s grab some grub and put on the movie.” We went to Qdoba Mexican Grill and Fast Food. (Mistake 3 or 4 that day, by me!). It had been such a great day until we left the house! LOL! There was disaster using her wallet to purchase new flannel pj’s, and now she had to choose what to eat, and then buy it. So much noise, too many people, and too much to look at and take in all at once. From what I have learned, this entire situation was going to be bad; I knew it the moment we walked inside. For an Alzheimer’s patient, their brain just does not take in all that stimuli at the same time. It is just too much to process. So, I chose matching Chicken Taco Salads for both of us. She asked for several things on hers that I did not want, and she screwed her nose up at some of my choices. But we got our salads. Then there was the whole wallet thing. Ugh. We got out the door after a few minutes of chaos.
We came outside to rain clouds and a sunset. All past issues were forgotten as she regaled me with stories of her grandfather, how he is still close to her, and how they described shapes in the clouds. She was happy. She loved looking at the clouds; it is one of her happy places. And that is the thing with Alzheimer’s disease…it truly goes moment to moment. Earlier she was upset and wanted to go back to CA because up here you wear too many clothes (she was having problems with the socks and finding her old wallet in her drawer), and now she was excited over her new flannel pj’s and wanted to cuddle up on the couch and watch a movie. Moment to moment.
As an Alzheimer’s caregiver, we all need to be cognizant of the purity of these moments. Pure confusion. Pure joy. Pure anger. Pure happiness. Alzheimer’s sufferers have no filters (usually). What you see is what you get. Is it pleasant? Many times it is far from pleasant. But in the moments of joy, it is unparalleled. The days are long and are made up of the moments we have. In order to find joy in this process of caregiving, we have to focus on that (perhaps only one) moment in the day where we have had success. And we thank God for them. Reluctantly, I even thanked God for the hard moments because I am learning from them. Truly I am. And because I am learning, there are fewer of the bad moments. We are having more of a connection, more often. More meaningful moments and connection – true communication. There are more moments to smile about. Don’t get me wrong. The bad moments are sometimes pretty awful. But I am learning to let those go. I learn from them and try not to provide triggers that create them. And I am learning to treasure those good moments, often gone within a heartbeat.
Yesterday, overall, was a success. There were some truly crappy moments when I had to, on the sly, explain and apologize for my mom’s rudeness and irritation. Everyone was so very kind. But did we have some amazing moments? We did. Laughing during her shower about our hair. Cracking up about all our wrinkles. Laughing at how cleansing products have changed over the years. A wonderful, loving hug and kisses as I tucked her into her flannel sheets and jammies and we wished each other pleasant dreams. Unparalleled.
I will continue to learn from her; learn to leap easily between Alzheimer’s World and Reality and back again, in a moment. It is becoming better and better. I am becoming a better caregiver. Mom is being mom. We got this. And God? He is in every moment. I can feel it.