A wife and mother to 3 amazing sons, and grandma to 6 (and counting) beautiful grandchildren. This is just a place where I can muse on things in my life and the world around me. I don't pretend to be a great writer or theologian, historian or blogger, but I'd love you to join me on this journey!
This is the single hardest post I have ever written. My husband of almost 40 years was diagnosed with Cruetzfeldt-Jakob Disease (CJD). There is no treatment, no cure, and it is 100% fatal. We are now living daily, because today is all we have.
CJD is a degenerative brain disease known as a prion disease. I know more about brain disease than I ever wanted to know. And the more I learn about CJD, the angrier I get and the sadder I get. I bought a bottle of Rolaids because my stomach keeps trying to lose its contents on the regular. My emotions tend to hit my stomach first. And I am now experiencing daily headaches that I know are from stress. CJD patients do not normally live very long. It is very aggressive and depending upon where it begins, the symptoms vary. You diagnose it through eliminating its cousins – ALS, Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s – they are all cognitive degenerative diseases, but they don’t move as quickly, nor are they as difficult to deal with. It’s pretty sad when you’re sitting with the neurologist, praying for Parkinson’s or some other dementia disease like Alzheimer’s. Our lives were irrevocably changed two weeks ago. And we can never go back to the way life was at the beginning of March.
CJD is a prion disease. These little proteins literally bend over weird and can no longer function. They become prions. The prions then bang up against a protein, causing it to bend. And those two bang into two more, and those now 4, bang into 4 more – exponentially growing. The difference between CJD and other prion diseases is that the cells disintegrate. There are literally holes where brain used to be. And we don’t know which neural center in the brain will collapse next. Some patients can no longer walk because it hit the motor-neurons. Some can no longer see, or swallow, or speak. My husband wears hearing aids and his hearing has gotten so much worse this past year. The neurologist believes his hearing isn’t all that bad, but the brain doesn’t know how to process sound signals any more because that portion is no longer functional. The MRI was very shocking. The brain only lights up when there is something wrong, or there is an infection (which CJD is – among its other sterling attributes, it is an infectious, degenerative brain disease. I can’t catch it. Neither can anyone else in contact with my husband. It is only if you come into contact with brain tissue or fluids. Which is so not happening in my house!) and his MRI lit up the night sky. Pretty much total involvement with the disease.
gob·smacked ˈgäb-ˌsmakt. chiefly British, informal. : overwhelmed with wonder, surprise, or shock : astounded. Several minutes later I touch the bottom, pleased to discover that Louise—despite all her experience exploring caves elsewhere in the world—is as gobsmacked as I am. “
Gobsmacked is my new favorite word. It describes this diagnosis perfectly. I am perpetually stunned. Some mornings I wake up and wonder if it is a dream.Then the reality slams into me.It is not a dream. This is real life. And this is not the journey we thought we would be taking. I am gobsmacked into silence. I cry at the drop of a hat. Some days I have total meltdown. Somedays I can barely get dressed. And my “give-a-damn-button” is completely broken. I have little patience for trivial things. I could care less if the house is dusted. I could care less about stuff – clothes, decor, any of it. I’m supposed to be starting seeds for my spring garden. Absolutely not on my radar. All I think of is him. My husband, my best friend, the love of my life. And he’s leaving me. And soon. We have been together for 42 years and our 40th anniversary is in December. I’m praying we have Father’s Day together in June.
I keep reminding myself that God has all this in His hands. And I need to trust. And CJD adopted purple as their awareness color. How ironic. My favorite color. And now it represents the disease that is stealing my husband from me. It is taking the father of my sons. They are devastated. My grandchildren. I can barely think about them or I just start crying. My husband is the most amazing person and there is not one little bit of this that is fair. Not to him, not to me, not to our family, nor friends. My son says his dad is the pebble in the smooth lake, sending ripples across the world. He is impacting literally thousands of people. We are blessed.
I have had a particularly bad day. And I know I have many more of them ahead of me. My husband has each day, one at a time.The neurologist told him that “it’s more about quality than quantity at this point” and encouraged him to jump out of that plane, to go ice fishing, to have that donut or bowl of ice cream. Enjoy every moment while you can. And that brings on a fresh batch of tears, running down my face. It wasn’t supposed to be this way.
It’s probably not the best time for me to post. And it has been quite awhile. I deleted two posts I had written but not published, yet. One was from September and the other was from when my dad died in July. Neither seemed relevant. So here I am. *Sigh*
It’s weird to be the reigning generation. Both of my parents have died, and both of my husband’s parents are gone. My eldest looked at us recently and sat back on his haunches, and said, “Whoa. I am now you. You are now grandma and grandpa, and my son is now me. Generational shift. I can feel the weight of it settling on my shoulders. Wow.” And knowing there are far fewer years ahead of me than are behind me. Dealing with our mortality. It is frightening in many ways.
My husband and I are facing some life-changing things right now (not at all comfortable sharing that here as of today) and we have had some deep, deep discussions. Soul-deep. Praying deep. Crying deep. Holding hands across the table and looking into our eyes deep. Heavy, heavy conversations about “what would you like to do if…” sort of conversations. Through Covid and also just in life, we have had friends pass away. We have lost family members. We have suffered severe illnesses and tragic accidents. We have lost friendships over issues and stances regarding our life choices and refusal to play along with the current narrative. But we have never lost one another. Ever.
This year is our 40th Anniversary. We have been together as a couple for 42 years. It is also my 50th High School reunion year. (Trust me, skip the math). A lot of milestones. Our only grandson started Middle School. Our youngest granddaughter started Elementary School. Our youngest son, still single, turned 25, completed his Iron Worker apprenticeship, and is working a lot!! When did all this happen? How have these years just flown past? How have we lived so much and yet forgotten so much? Every once in awhile something spurs a memory and you think to yourself, “It’s been decades since I have thought of that.” Really? Decades? Wow.
The future we planned possibly will not happen. We will need to adjust and figure out how to navigate things we never envisioned. But we are so very blessed because we have one another. I cling to that man’s hand like it’s my only lifeline. Because it is. We made a commitment to one another 40 years ago in front of witnesses. We had an amazing wedding at St. Thomas More in Littleton, Colorado. We had a blessing in our hometown for our older family members and friends who could not travel with us to our wedding site in Colorado (we lived in CA at the time) a week after our actual wedding and honeymoon. We renewed our vows at our 15th, with just our three sons and our dear friend who is a Syro-Malabar priest, whom we had traveled to Nevada to see. Our 25th we celebrated with a Divine Liturgy at our home Melkite parish, complete with a crowning, because we had not done that when we got married in 1984. It was the greatest blessing and those crowns are one of my most precious possessions. As I have reminded my husband, “You are so married to me!! Four times in front of 4 different priests in 4 different parishes in three different states! Dude!” Ha-Ha-Ha!
I love the song I referenced above, “Here I am Lord, send me” because part of being married is you are sent out on a divine mission. You are the domestic church and you take your marriage and your faith with you, wherever you go. And the journey with your husband and children is this amazing gift of life. We are accompanying one another on the road to heaven, to the ultimate goal of the presence of God in eternal worship. We walk alongside one another, discovering God’s Will in our life together. And we press on. Some days are worse than others, and some are just lit with the grace of God. I cling to those memories of God’s grace and being bathed in the light of faith and divine love and charity. Those memories are what enable me to carry forward. To hold the hand of the man I love more than my own life. My partner in everything. So, Lord, send me. We are heading into our sunset years a devout and devoted partnership. More in love than when we met in 1982. And God is so good.
I had typed this big post and apparently I did not save it. Oh boy. Back to the drawing board!
My dad passed away recently. It is so surreal, because now both of my parents, as well as my stepparents, are gone. I have one brother. My parents were both only children. And we are immigrants from New Zealand and England. Any distant family members we have are somewhere unknown to us. It makes you feel sort of alone. Just one connection to my childhood – my brother. And we live, literally, 1000s of miles apart. We both have spouses and children, as well as grandchildren, but no immediate family members from our youth, other than each other.
My dad was 96 years old and he lived such an international life. He was born in LA but moved quickly to Canada because of the Great Depression. They then moved back to England, where both of my grandparents were born. He was raised among cousins and extended family while they lived in England. But my brick-mason-grandpa could not get steady work. So, they ended up traveling the world while my grandpa got various jobs, as their ship hit ports. They were literally all over the place. I have keepsakes my grandma collected from India, South Africa, Fiji, the Bahamas. So many ports-of-call. And she collected tea cups and saucers from every port, as well. They finally landed in New Zealand and settled there. My parents met when mom was 18 and my dad was 21. They wanted to marry but my grandparents insisted mom wait until she was 21. They were obedient to their parents’ wishes and in the meantime, they all built a house for my parents until the wedding. My paternal grandfather did the basic construction, my maternal grandfather did all the painting and interior, my dad did all the electrical, while a cousin of my mom did the plumbing. It took them almost the entire three years, working on the weekends. They married and moved into their home in 1951. Then my dad was offered a position with North American Aviation (which eventually incorporated into Boeing) and NASA to get a man on the moon. They arrived in Los Angeles via ship in late 1953. My paternal grandparents followed a year or so later. And then I was born in 1956, and my brother in 1958.
My parents, most especially my mom, love the Maori traditions. I have a carved piece like this my mom brought with her, as well as a porcelain Maori doll that is now almost 100 years old. My parents also had accents. As a kid, my neighbors would tease us that our mom would call us in and they would imitate how she said our names. She could not say a hard “r” to save her life! And when they first got here, she was refused service at the local meat market because the butcher told her she had to learn English. LOL So that began her love of soap operas! She practiced loosing her accent every day! My dad, being raised all over the place, had a sort of flat accent. In his later years, he lived in North Carolina and Texas. His accent was sometimes pretty funny. As he retreated into Dementia, his stories of life onboard these ships became more fantastical, as well as his British accent. He never sounded like a Kiwi.
And now I sit and look back in my mind at my childhood, and my heritage, and in so many ways, it was pretty bland. LOL. For example, my parents did not allow me to wear blue jeans to school in High School, at first. I had to fight for that. They wanted me in dresses every day. Southern California, Orange County, in the 70s – beachy, long hair, and jeans. Finally. My brother had long hair and wore a seashell around his neck on a leather band; I wore pooka (sp?) shells. My hair was down to my behind at one point. I loved flip-flops (we called them thongs back then) and tye-die shirts. I still do! We fit in, other than my parents did not grow up with the concept of Thanksgiving. If my mom hosted any holiday, it was leg of lamb on a spit on the kitchen counter, (above photo) with peas, mashed potatoes, rolls, and minced pie. My grandma hosted Thanksgiving most of the time, and she could cook a turkey! The tail was called “the parson’s nose” and she loved it. She made the best gravy, too. My mom was a simple cook and never excelled at it. My dad was not your bar-b-que dad. He preferred mom to cook. Some days it was an adventure. She loved to cook steaks. Broiled. And they were always gray. I grew up pouring Worcestershire Sauce on everything. It helped get the dried, over-cooked meat down! I did not learn about medium-rare until after I was married!!
My dad would come home every night and have a gin and tonic. It was always Tanqueray Gin. Always. He’d come home, drop off his keys and briefcase on the kitchen counter (annoying my mom) and then settle into his recliner in the family room, while mom finished dinner. It was a nightly routine. My parents had a typical 1950s marriage. He was the boss. She stayed home and kept an extremely clean house (something I hated and so I am not like that, but something my brother loved and is still like our mom) and always had all the laundry clean. Never piles of clothing, ever. Not a spec of dust, either. It was rigid and orderly. And then my brother and I hit puberty and high school! LOL! Things got a little wilder through those years – trust me. With strict, British-raised parents, we pushed every boundary and tried to cross every line they placed before us. I spent the majority of High School on restriction of some sort. Great memories! LOL!
Our parents lasted 27 and 1/2 years. Then dad chose to end their marriage. Our family dynamic was rocky until his death. My mom met and married a wonderful man. My kids considered him their grandpa and he loved us all fiercely, as much as he loved our mom. I thanked God for him. My dad married his secretary. They relocated out of state and from that point onward, I really did not see him often. In fact, when he died, I had not seen him in person in over 20 years. And so this reflection is rather weird. I mourn what I can never have. My kids never knew my dad. I only knew him through texts, phone calls, and the occasional card or gift. We did not have lives that intersected from about the year 2000 or so. In dealing with his death, I realized my mourning took place over 20 years ago. I am used to him being gone. I won’t ever talk to him again and I am sad for that. My kids and grandkids will never know him. I am sad for that. My legacy to my kids will not contain much from my dad. They did, however know his mother, my paternal grandmother. She lived with us until her death. They loved her so much. And my mom lived with us until her Alzheimer’s caused us to place her in an assisted living home. But we all still visited her at least weekly (we tried – even after she no longer knew us). I miss her because she was part of life in this house – we bought this house to accommodate her. But not my dad. I have lived in two states since I saw him last. And our last personal visit was strange and uncomfortable. He came to see us, but he did not stay with us. It was part of that rocky family dynamic that was begun in my 20s, when my parents divorced. And so I mourn all the “what-ifs” in life.
Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:31-32
I have been asked if I am angry about my parents, specifically my dad. And quite honestly, I am not. I’m not bitter, either. I hold no grudge or resentment towards my parents. After my dad passed, I prayed (and still do) nightly for his soul. He did the best he could with what he knew and how his life choices worked out. He was an only child. He really did not know how to deal with two kids, especially a girl. He made it known he wished I was a boy when I was born, but that he “loved me regardless.” He was a misogynist and a narcissist, to boot. And I only realized that through talking to my stepsister. She had him in her life for more than 30 years – longer than I ever did. Once she named it and defined it and showed me how it was how dad operated, a lot of my anger dissipated. Kind of like letting the air out of my balloon. I no longer worried about it. The problem was his point of view, not mine. And so I pray for him. I wanted him to find the peace he said he never found in this life. And for my mom, as well. They both longed for peace and love and happiness – they fought to find it. Mom was so happy in her second marriage and I quite often thought that she never belonged with my dad. I think dad just missed that opportunity at happiness and peace – he had glimpses of it, but he never experienced it long term. He told me he regretted leaving my mom without at least trying counseling. I often wish he would have tried because my life, and my legacy to my kids, would have been so very different. But life works out like it does! I have experienced the love, contentment, and peace my parents were searching for. I have God in my life. I have the love of an incredible man. I have the love of my sons, their wives, and their children. I have friends who fill my world with love. And I am rediscovering the love of my brother. God is good. It is all working out. (Everything works for those who love Him. Romans 8:28).
And now we move into our own “last days.” My brother and I have chatted about so many things. Breaking generational curses is among the things we hope we are doing. We are making amends to those we have hurt in this life, before it is too late. I am living every day in gratitude towards my loving God, my incredible husband, and the life we have built together. I cannot lean on what has gone before, but rather rejoice and work towards what is coming.
Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.Philippians 3:13-14
I am surrounded by so much doomsday chatter. I have been “awake” for years in the sense that I have traveled down many, many rabbit holes. I have chased so many conspiracies that my tin foil hat is wearing out. I have had to face so many fallacies that I accepted as truths. It hurts my brain some days. I literally get a headache. One of the worst truths for me was that our government allows deaths in the thousands as “collateral damage” and actually thinks it is okay. They expend American lives, any lives for that matter, in order to stay in charge. To have control. And as always, “follow the money.”
The image above is how I feel more often than not. I see some pretty horrific stuff that today is taken as normal. Well, the MSM and power brokers want us to accept what is abnormal as the new normal. And it just is not normal. There is a cute saying these days: “Normal is not coming back – Jesus is.” And you know, I would be okay with that. Truly. I used to panic and say that I wasn’t ready yet; my kids still had lives to live and my grandkids are just getting going. But the more I see evil just parading around and no one really caring, or even noticing, I think I would be okay with the Second Coming happening any day now.
“For thou art with me” gives me such peace. Prayer is what is saving me from insanity. Insanity in the sense of worrying myself sick. “Our Thoughts Determine Our Lives” is a book by Elder Thaddeus. It changed my life. I have referenced the book in prior posts, so you can get details by searching through my blog posts. But suffice it to say, what we think about all the time can be personified in our lives. We can make our fantasies become reality. Think about it. You know someone who is personified as a “negative Nelly” or an “Eore” character. Always depressed or worried or upset. Then there are those who are like “Pig Pen” in the Charlie Brown comics. I always felt he represented chaos and disorder, not just being a dirty kid. We all have people in our lives that bring chaos with them.
I am working hard at finding my peace and keeping it front and center, without the fear taking over. I know that evil is surrounding us all. The earth is Satan’s domain. I know that. But I also know God is with me, with us, and He will not abandon His people. But that begs the question: Who are God’s people? I just do not accept that all the aberrance on display at children’s story hour are God’s people. They flaunt their disregard for what God calls us to in Scripture. Certainly many, many “woke” pastors in all sects of faith are not objecting to this behavior, but rather promoting acceptance of it. As a Catholic for most of my life, I have heard, “Love the sinner, hate thesin.” And I do believe that. However, when someone knows it is a sin and embraces it regardless of knowing, then I have a hard time loving the sinner. I have friends who are gay but who are devoutly Christian and do not act physically on their feelings. They know it is a sin and put God first. We actually hang out with them a lot. People assume they are “living in sin,” but they are not. They can live in the same home and not be committing a sin. But with all the pride parades this weekend, sinfulness and nudity were on full display. God is not smiling on that. And our wonderful He/She Health Director, Admiral Rachel Levine, just announced He/She wants to extend Pride Month. Good heavens, when will we just say “NO” to all of it???
It is images like the one above that give me pause. I believe this assault on our sense of right and wrong is on purpose and has its demonic aspects. This shirt kinda reinforces that. And I see all sorts of things, because I go down so many rabbit holes, that keep adding up and causing me to be fearful. “The end will not be for everyone” is an adage in the conspiracy theory world. And that scares me, too. I know some cataclysmic thing is coming. And it’s not in the decades-away future. It will be soon. And I think, I feel, it will be sooner than we think. So much supports that feeling, that even if I could, it would take a hefty blog post to list all the reasons! All I can say is prepare. Get your heart right with God. With whatever higher power you believe in. Get your finances secure. Stock up on batteries and flashlights, food, water, blankets, etc. Because what is coming will affect the world. The powers that be (less than 1% of our society) are worried too many of us are realizing what has been going on for centuries, and we are starting to resist their control.
As much as it may offend you, we sort of live in ant farms. There are higher power beings, people, who control the world. We are allowed to feel free, but are we truly free? We can move around and live our lives within guidelines. We are public-schooled – which are truly just indoctrination centers – and we swallow the narrative. We strive for success within boundaries. The sky is the limit (I won’t even go into flat earth here. But you should look into it. Just saying.). John D. Rockefeller donated over $180 million in 1902 to the General Education Board, establishing Public Education. Rockefeller famously said “I don’t want a nation of thinkers. I want a nation of workers.” The system was set up to give students just enough information to function in society, but not rise above where they were.
Here is a quote by Frederick T. Gates, one of the members of the General Education Board :
“In our dream, we have limitless resources and the people yield themselves with perfect docility to our molding hand. We shall not search for embryo great artists, painters, musicians nor lawyers, doctors, preachers, politicians, statesmen, of whom we have an ample supply…The task we set before ourselves is very simple as well as a very beautiful one, to train these people as we find them to a perfectly ideal life just where they are… ”
Mocking the ability of people to think for themselves, and simply not encouraging success outside their narrative of docile workers; workers who would be happy punching a time card and dutifully following the societal norms set before them. Rinse. Repeat. And what comes from that are people who accept what is before them. They have lost their ability to critically think. They don’t question – they accept. Because they prefer acceptance by their peers over standing in the raging waters of sin and simply saying, “No, my family and I serve the Lord. We will not comply.” And that is why so many people believe people like me are crazy. I question. I stand outside the norm and I say “No!” I will not comply.” I will not become like an automaton, dutifully performing my daily skill set duties. I will not be another ant in your farm!
God wins. In my heart I know that. I feel it deep inside my bones. But to get from here to there, that’s where I feel this intense fear. Because to get there, it will be a time of immense trial for every single, living, person. And I truly see trials beginning. Evil has always been with us; the earth was given to Satan by God. He forbid Satan access to Heaven for his disobedience. So all Satan can do is try and thwart God in His heavenly activities. And he does that by trying to steal souls away from God. God loves us more than anything. He created us in HIS IMAGE. We are like God. In all our diversity, we are God’s children. God loves variety. Look at the earth He created for us to live in. It is a diverse place. I prefer mountains and lakes, streams and valleys; and accompanied by milder summers and snowy winters. I am not a desert person. But millions prefer living in a desert, hot, climate. Diversity. What a blessing! Still, Satan prowls around, and when we are weakest, when he senses sin, he attacks. And those little voices encouraging sinful behavior, well those are Satan and his little demons tempting us away from God. Satan now has TV time. His evil is on our screens 24/7 – in the name of inclusion, diversity, fairness. Perversion has to be tolerated to show how accepting we are of diverse behaviors and beliefs. That is where we are screwing up. Evil has been here since the beginning, only now it is openly on display. A recent intellect said something like, “Western culture exhibits the depravity of excluding faith, morals, and God, from modern culture.” We are a culture sprinting away from God and most of the “woke culture” is all about that.
When transgenderism is accepted (as in that activist above) as normal, society is going downhill. If anyone ever researches history these days, they will note that most cultures last about 150 years. That’s usually the length of time it takes to degrade and fall apart. Search out information on famous cultures that are no longer around. The easiest is Rome. They had football stadiums (coliseums) where the perversion of the day was on display. Homosexuality and all other forms of perversion were the height of societal acceptance. It was a very perverse time in history. And it vanished.
When fear is prominent in your life, it is said that you are close to finding God. Fear itself is not evil. Be fearful of what can steal your soul. Be aware. Be vigilant. Keep your oil lamps full. Be prepared. Be courageous in the face of evil. Stand firmly for God and His precepts. Acknowledge your fear and give it to God. Pray always. God wins!
I am not so doom and gloom that I cannot enjoy life and all the joy placed before me. I appreciate my blessings and I relish in them. God has truly blessed me. But in my inner self, I am cowering in fear. Because I know God is a just and powerful, almighty and omnipotent God. Evil will not be spared. When God cleans house, He goes into every nook and cranny; every piece of evil is lifted out of its hiding place. I just so do not want to be caught up in His divine whisk broom. Brought into the Divine Light of judgment, knowing my weakness brought me there. Just yesterday I broke a birthday gift for my husband from his sister. And I was so angry at my clumsiness that I took the name of the Lord in vain. And that’s when I stopped and wept, and begged forgiveness. I’ve been so caught up in my cultural life, and lax in my spiritual life lately, that cussing rolled right off my tongue. No thought, until after it was out. And I felt worse than I had about breaking the engraved glass my sister-in-law had sent. I had gone against a Commandment from God. It’s one of the”Big 10″ you know. If only we all went by the 10 Commandments!!!
So to wrap up and end this, I fear for the future. And sometimes I cower in fear. I am nowhere near perfect. I am flawed all over the place. But God loves his children. As flawed as we are, if we seek forgiveness and we seek God above all things, He will save us. God loves us. And God wins. Always.
I realized I haven’t set thought to blog in almost 2 months! Whoa! That’s not my norm, although it is becoming more common these days.
I completed this study and I really loved it. I mean I really loved it. So, so good. Jennifer Rothschild is an incredible woman. So Godly, humble, funny, relevant. I learned so much from her promptings into the Scriptures. My minor in college was Biblical Archeology. I have studied the Bible since my late teens. I have read through it in its entirety more than once. But walking through this book and having Jennifer lead you to a fuller understanding of the Old Testament in a relational way was incredible. I loved it. I would encourage you to investigate this one!!!
And I have found myself happily immersed in the Bible. I read it every day. I have highlighted and written all over its pages with notations and dates and the many “aha” moments discovered anew in the Words left there for us all. And it has made me refocus my priorities. Social Media sorta took a back seat.
This era we are living in is pretty crazy. There is upheaval everywhere. People are unsettled. Things we once thought true are proving to be just another narrative. But after diving into Scripture, I agree that these times are evil, but so are all the rest. We just have more awareness because of all our instant communications. In days past we communicated by time spent together, letters and messages sent through mail services, or messages sent with a messenger to friends and family. News traveled much slower. We had decorum wherein the underbelly of the world was hidden in dark alleyways and ghettos filled with the oppressed, poor, and immigrant populations.
I have been watching, “Call the Midwife,” on Netflix (and PBS, and BBC). It’s set in 1958 London, in an area called Poplar. It’s about the Nonnatus House, a house filled with these amazing Anglican Nuns and the midwives who live with them, but are secular. They go out into Poplar delivering babies at home and ministering to the needs of this small ghetto. Everyone is poor. But those women still wore their heels and stockings, carried purses and wore hats, when they exited out of their 1-room tenement housing. What went on behind those closed doors was kept there. Until it spilled out into the community. People gossiped and were unkind, yes, but most treated one another with a certain respect and understanding. Even immigrants who could not speak English or were of varying hues, were accepted into the community of pregnant women and their midwives. Midwifery was woven into the community. But there was ugly there, as well. Just like there is now. It was just kept in the closet or behind that doorway. Nowadays, evil is expressed on the airways, profanity and perverse behavior is not shunned but accepted as normal. Babies outside of marriage are accepted, where back in those days pregnant girls gave birth in special homes and the babies were adopted out, with no one ever knowing the girl had been pregnant. There was still shame. And it covered all sorts of behavior that is now on the nightly news, as well as prime time television programs. Call the Midwife has made me cry and laugh and there have been so many lines I now quote. It is a wonderful program that is entering its 13th season. I highly recommend it.
A lot of people feel like the sky is falling and that Jesus is due any day now. I am feeling like this world is tipping a tad bit left and insane, and decidedly evil. Like up is down and down is up. But I also know God is here. He is with us. He is dependable. God always is. And I am learning more and more what that means. Some people are sad and depressed (and I admit I was on that train, too) and feel hopeless. Let’s keep in mind God promised to never leave us. Ever. The quote from Haggai above was at the time the Jewish people were rebuilding the temple – the temple where Christ would walk and talk and teach, and overturn the tables. And God promised He was still with them, and to not be afraid. Did you know that “Fear not” is in the bible 365 times? That’s once for every day of the year. Some accounts say the number is actually 175 times and pastors exaggerate to give people hope or sermons more punch. Regardless of the exact number, it is the most often repeated phrase in Scripture.
Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10
God chose to let His people know that He was with him. And this is before He sent His son, and the Paraclete, the Holy Spirit. He has not abandoned us. Not at all. He has allowed free will to reign supreme, however, and I know it is showing more and more. We have allowed communication to render our minds feckless and weak. We allowed evil to be more prominent than good. Watch the news lately? Anything good? Very little is ever shown. This evil has always been with us, but it is becoming apparent we need to choose. Now. It’s far more than Republican/Democrat or left/right. This is good vs evil. Choose today…
I’ve always found that quote kinda funny. But it is starting to ring true. There’s a blogger on Instagram who posts deaths and resignations, corporate collapses, and large real estate sales (like celebrities selling their million dollar mansions). She always says to pay attention to who is dying, and from what, their ages, and careers. Also who is leaving their jobs, their elected positions, and why. And who is selling off their companies or their properties. It is an indicator of what is going on in that club George Carlin used to say none of us belong to (“It’s a big club and you ain’t in it!). There are loads of athletes simply falling over dead. Recording artists selling off all their rights to their music (Justin Bieber being one recent celeb). Mansions in CA are selling like hot cakes. Why? Companies crashing (seen the stats on Bud Light?) or being sold off in pieces. The world is becoming unsettled. And now, more than ever, we need to get our house in order. Each of us needs to look deeply within and choose how we will participate in this thing we call “life.” Do you support life? From a natural beginning to its natural end? Stand up for it! Do you believe in the 2nd amendment? Learn about it and the Constitution – it wasn’t written for us, it was written as a set of rules for the government to keep us safe from them, and the rights delineated within its paragraphs are our safety valve against tyrannical rule. How about children, minors, transitioning to an alternate gender? Drag Queen shows in libraries and schools? Pornographic books in elementary schools? Parental rights being stripped away? The government letting us know our children belong to them? What about prayer and God in school? What about the right to pray in public? Wear shirts about the Christian faith in public? Why is it the Christians are the ones getting in trouble, but not other faiths or beliefs? Whys can antifa and BLM march and burn cities without permits, but a Christian procession has to be permitted and is often denied??
There are so many issues wherein we arm-chair quarterbacks need to get into the game. Evil is afoot and it’s after you and yours. Your children. Your grandchildren. The kids on the bus. The elderly in nursing homes. It is long past the time we can comment and not participate. At the very least, pray. Attend Church with the Body of Christ and worship. Praise God. Vote. Attend community council or city council meetings. Get involved in the process. Pray your way through your fears and doubts. We all need you. I need you. My grandkids need you to fight for them. It is time to take up the Shield of God, my friends.
And in the meantime, pray like there is no tomorrow, because there very well may not be. And don’t go missing like Joe DiMaggio…
I began to look at life differently in January of this year. I came to the conclusion that my life was at a precipice. I honestly felt I was going to go further down into my own self-induced drama/depression, or I could reach for a tether, an anchor, a way to stay grounded. I think all of us have gone through one of those moments when you realize you need a change in order to survive as your best self.
I watched a video today which said that when you keep thinking the same things, you hard-wire your brain. Those thoughts become almost like a programmed computer. And if you want to change yourself, it is difficult to truly change who you are. By your thirties you are pretty much you. And here I am, in my mid-60s, realizing I want to be different than I was at the start of 2023, let alone 30 years ago.
To that end I chose to reach out to a friend, who I knew was a woman of deep faith, and we began to do Bible Study together. Our first one, which was completely my choice, was “The Armor of God” by Priscilla Shirer. I cannot fully share in words that will make sense how this changed everything. My perspective is new. My faith is new. Yes, I retain all that I have embraced up until now. But I have added to my “deposit of faith” in a new way. I felt like I was opening a caged area inside myself. Or loosening the ties on a very tight corset. I was finally breathing in a way I had not done before. I felt the breath of the Holy Spirit, for perhaps honestly, the first time in my life.
I have never denied the Trinity. Not in the least. But somehow my focus in my faith journey has been on God the Father, and His Son, Jesus Christ. Both of whom I have always dialoged with, freely, in my mind and heart and soul. But somewhere inside me there was a very tight cage. A corset with many tight strings. And I realized I had not been able to fully inhale, in perhaps, forever.
This study spoke about the Shield (of Faith) we take up, and the Helmet (of Salvation) we wear. The Shield is to be kept damp with the tears we shed (my interpretation) and the Holy Spirit. The Roman soldiers would wet their shields before battle. It made it more difficult for the arrows (Satan) to penetrate the wood. They would form these “turtle” formations where each soldier would raise his shield (of Faith) in just the right way, so that no one was exposed to incoming arrows (community of believers). And if one came through, they had their helmets (of Salvation) tightly in place. Of course, wearing the Breastplate (of Righteouness), kept in place by the Belt (of Truth), and their feet shod with their boots (of Peace).
I realized I had not been arming myself with all the things I have needed in this life. And that Helmet of Salvation was so key for me. The Lord has adapted it so it covers our minds, our ears, and our cheeks. It comes around our mouths. It encapsulates who we are; our perception of ourselves. And it helps us to be our better selves. We wear that helmet and nothing gets through…especially when we are surrounded by our full Armor of God.
Most people just put their feet on the floor and start their day, going down the same mental pathways we are used to traversing. And therein lies the key to change. We have to mentally break away from that pathway. Take the road less traveled. Begin again before our feet ever touch the floor. “Thank you, Lord, for another day! I am breathing! Let’s do this…” is what I am trying to embrace. And believe me, it is not easy. For me, I wake every day in pain. It’s my back and my shoulders. Some days I walk straight to my medicine drawer in the bathroom and put this pain cream on my back and shoulders. So I can even tolerate putting on my slippers. And then I make my way out to drink some coffee and do my morning blood sugar reading. Trying to change my brain when my body is yelling at me with all these arthritic pain signals is tough. I am trying to change how I treat myself and am hopeful new avenues in my basic self-care will enact changes in my body. (Ever hear of Magnesium Spray? It’s a new thing I am trying. Google it!).
And I am now doing a study on the Book of Haggai entitled, “Take Courage” by Jennifer Rothschild. I am in awe of her. She has been blind since she was 15. Her demeanor, her joy, her charisma is a wonder to behold. And she is squeezing every last meaning out of just 36 verses of Scripture. Haggai is the second-shortest book in the entire Bible. But boy, oh boy, am I learning so much about me and how I react to the promptings of the Holy Spirit. What am I praying for? What are my expectations of God? Who am I carrying the rock for? (From a great African Folk Tale). It is soul-searching and I love her approach so much. Another great Bible Study to enlarge my perspective on my faith. God is endlessly patient with me. Thanks be to God for His Mercy!
And so this first quarter of 2023 has seen some changes in me. I am learning so much. I am sleeping far better than I have in months, and I am panicking almost never. God has graced me with the Gift of the Holy Spirit that I never knew I was missing. I end each day in prayer. I wake each morning trying to start with a prayer of thanksgiving. I am in Scripture daily. And I have learned to be a fervent, directed prayer warrior. As it says in Romans 8:31, “If God is for us, who can be against us?” And in Ephesians, “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore, put on the full armor of God, so when the day of evil comes, you will be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.” (Eph 6: 12-13).It is upon us to learn to arm ourselves so that we can stand against all the evil of this world. And I am learning how to do that better and better every day.
Ephesians 3:14 “For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name.” This is one verse out of many that gives me so much peace. My family, your family, we are all named by God in the heavenly realm. He knew us in our mother’s wombs (Jer 1:50) and he named us. He knew us and He knows us. Every family. All my kids, all my grandkids. All of us. And in Deuteronomy we are told: “Give generously to Him and do not let your heart be grieved when you do so. And because of this the Lord will bless you in everything to which you put your hand.” (Deut 15:10). And so we dedicate all we do and who we are to God, and He will bless us. In our hearts and in our lives. We give ourselves to God for His glory. It is the sole reason we exist, to glorify God. Wow.
I wish you peace. I wish you comfort in God. Glorify Him in all you do. I’m just amazed that I can still learn and still grow and still be a daughter of the King. His mercy endures forever.
Well, it is Alaska. We do get snow. And we have. It is February. That darn rodent saw his shadow again this year. They are calling for 12 weeks of winter still left for us up here. That rat said 6 weeks, but that’s for the lower 48. Up here…well, we got to see the sun today. I cannot even explain to you how exciting that is. I have all our blinds open. And I got to see our newest level of snow-blown “snow berm” around our house. It started snowing on Friday and pretty much kept it up until this morning, which is Tuesday. My poor husband is the consummate snow plow guy. He looks so frozen when he is plowing and shoveling the snow, but I think he secretly likes it.
Of course, he will vehemently deny his pleasure, but look at that smile! LOL! It’s snowing so much you cannot see across the street. But he is so good. He tries to leave me a clear pathway and exit for my car from the garage. The way the winds blow, it blows across my side of the garage and skips his side. And I’m the one with the granny sedan. He has a big, ole 4-wheel drive, 4-door-truck! LOL. He travels for work and we laugh because for the 2 weeks in a row he was home, we had just a little snow. He was leaving Monday and of course it starts pounding us with snow on the Friday before. He plowed Saturday. It snowed Sunday. He plowed again before he left for the airport Monday morning; it snowed 4″ at least by the time I went to bed on Monday. So once again, I am stuck. But you know what? I kinda like it. Shhhh….
I’ve been in a slight slump. A lot is facing me and I just flat out am done. My stress is high. I’ve sort of just shut down. I rarely sleep a full night. I have these lovely zinging things all over my skin from Covid. It’s been 2 years and I still have after-affects. And the zings all over my skin wake me up and then I stress out and break out in full on sweat-mode, leading into a panic attack. But you know what? I have chosen to take that to task and be done with all of that, too.
I started to attend a women’s Bible Study. And I am finding peace there. It is so wonderful to sit around a table with a cup of coffee and chat about the faith with women who try really hard to live their faith – every day. And boy, are they fervent prayer warriors! Wow. I stand in abject awe at how they grasp the promises of Christ and act on them in praying for everyone who asks it of them. And we are seeing the scriptures in a new light. The Book of Romans is no easy task, that is for sure. But growing in God’s Word has been – it’s hard to describe – but because of this weekly Study, the stress is going way, way down. I can sigh and feel relief. I am so glad my dear friend, Michelle, invited me to attend with her.
In addition to that, I also started a Bible Study with my good friend, Rhonda. We are doing a book entitled, “The Armor of God,” based on Ephesians 6. I cannot fully express how this has invaded my heart, mind, and soul, And today, in week two, day two, I chose to fully claim the promise of Christ, which is to live in God’s truth, and to reach for that righteousness that is in me, through my faith. I refuse to allow the times and the “tempter” to trample my peace; to keep me awake at night in full panic mode; to procrastinate becoming the woman I know I am inside.
Do you ever feel like if you could just get the right key, you could unlock everything inside of you that has you caged in? This idea came to me when we were discussing the “belt of truth” and the “breastplate of righteousness” in Ephesians. The abject truth that never changes. The righteousness that our faith imparts to us through the gift of the Holy Spirit. And I just can’t quite reach the lock…
I tend to be a conservative in pretty much everything. I am not an “Hallelujah” shouting sort of Christian. I was raised with decorum in Church. You do not speak when others are. You dress nicely – your Sunday best – for Church. You behave at all times (parents always threatened us – which is rather ironic, if you think about it). And yes, I was taught formulaic prayer and I cannot tell you how comforting that was when I was hospitalized all alone with Covid. I have never prayed so much in my life. Hours would go by and I’d still be calling on all the saints and angels, and everyone I knew, to pray for me and my husband to be healed and out of there! But I have never been a specific, directed, praying person in the sense of just praying to God. I always start my prayer times with, “Jesus, son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.” Always. But now I feel like I can claim the promises God gave us. When I am awakened now, I pray that Jesus remove the stress from my heart; that He remove the affects of Covid from my body and help me to fully heal; that I give in to Him all these silly issues and allow Him to direct it all. I beg for Satan stop beating on me with his knowledge of my weaknesses. I ask Christ to hedge me with my salvation in Him and a protection against evil in my life. I beg for a restful sleep. And I thank Him for dying on the Cross for me. In those words. In fervent prayer. And then I restfully go back to sleep. It has been amazing.
My husband had a very important phone call the other day. And I knew he was wanting a certainty from this call, and I know he was nervous. So after he closed himself into his office for the call, I retreated to our main bathroom. I was brushing my teeth and getting ready for my day, and I just started fervently praying. And I mean, I was praying! I was leaning on God so much, and I was expressing my desires for my husband and the person he was speaking with. And I kept at it. I realized, suddenly, that my husband was standing in the doorway looking at me. He asked me, “Were you singing?” And I replied, “Nope. I was praying for you and for that that phone call.” He seemed to be happy that I was so caught up in the prayer, I did not notice him approach. And as it turned out, the phone call/meeting turned out exactly as I had been praying for. God will work miracles – we just need to lay it all out there for Him to work. We believe; we pray. God acts.
Somehow, I was able to crack open that cage inside of me and allow God full access. And I am allowing my heart and head full communion with all of this. Working as a woman on a mission – to become a better me. To allow God to work in me through His gift of the Holy Spirit, through my faith in Him. Wow. What a total blessing.
And because of this, He is allowing me to accomplish things I have been putting off. He is giving me the confidence and the grace to do these tasks I have felt were beyond my ability. I am tackling them one issue at a time and somehow He is giving me this peace that is washing over me in waves…all the while allowing me to do what I have been afraid to do. I am breathing quieter and finding strength where I did not know I had it.
“I call to you Lord, come quickly to me; hear me when I call to you. May my prayer rise before You like incense; may the lifting up of my hands be like the evening sacrifice. Set a guard over my mouth, Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips. Do not let my heart be drawn to what is evil so that I take part in wicked deeds along with those who are evildoers…”
Psalm 141:1-4
This prayer is said daily in the Eastern Churches, as well as the Orthodox. And I find this prayer so comforting. And as I am making my way as an older woman, seeing the sunset get ever closer, I feel a need so deep to work this out with God. To know Him as He knows me. To allow Him to work in me and through me. To allow myself the peace that is Christ. And to share this with my family and friends. Yes, it is winter. The snow is everywhere – both on the ground and metaphorically in our hearts and minds. But the promise of Spring – the Light – is an eternal promise. Let us all grasp for that promise.
“And because of Abraham’s faith, God counted him as righteous. And when God counted him as righteous, it wasn’t just for Abraham’s benefit. It was recorded for our benefit, too, assuring us that God will also count us as righteous if we believe in him, the one who raised Jesus our Lord from the dead. He was handed over to die because of our sins, and he was raised to life to make us right with God.”
As the saying goes, It’s been a hot minute” since I last blogged. There has been so much in my world that I just did not want to sit and type. LOL. And sometimes this over-arching need to share every moment gets tiresome – I honestly do not need to see everyone’s latest recipe or drink they invented! I am toying with dropping out of social media. It sure wears on your soul. We do not have local or national TV in the house; we stream what we want to see. So I miss headlines now and then. My husband dropped out of an online messaging group and he noticed immediately how his overall demeanor and stress level lowered and smoothed out. What we take into our heads, and surround ourselves with, truly influences who we are.
We traveled to see our middle son and his family. They relocated pretty much across the country from where we live. It takes 17 hours of flying. Not the most fun thing. However, we had oodles of miles and were able to upgrade; I got spoiled. Hubby was attending a conference near where our son lives for a week. He flew out and I joined him at the end of the conference. Which meant I had to fly by myself. Don’t make fun of me! I spend most of my time at home, or with my husband. Occasionally I see close friends and our family, but I rarely leave the state, let alone by myself. Plus I had to leave our dogs…arrangements to be made, etc. Anyway, I had to deal with layovers and connecting flights and lugging my packages in my rolling suitcase (took fun stuff to the kids) through the airports. There were SO MANY PEOPLE!! Don’t get me wrong; I am no recluse. However, where I live, there are only 700,000 in the entire state, and it’s Alaska. There’s a lot of space in-between all those people! LOL! Airports and airlines are crowded things. Ugh.
It was fun to see the country from the air, though. Flying during the day is new to me; it seems like all the flights out of Alaska are in the middle of the night! So, I took lots of photos of how flat the country is. From one side to the other. Flat. Just sayin’! LOL!
Going to a place you have never been is exciting on so many levels. The architecture; the layout of the old towns; the miles of fields and farms. I loved every moment of our visit. The small towns were the best. Some of the buildings were literally from the early 1800s. Gas stations from the 1940s. Signage you know has been up longer than I’ve been alive! The antiques. The prices! Oh my word. It is far less expensive than up here. I came home with Amish butter – if you have never had it, treat yourself. I brought home Amish honey in big jars for $10. Unheard-of up here. I was able to see America like I never have and I am beyond thrilled my grandchildren are being raised there.
It was so incredible to drive down some of these roads and see homes that have been lived in for 100s of years. Farms that have been in families for generations. Downtowns with spires and grand town halls, complete with bell towers. Regular, normal families walking down these streets with their kids. Small businesses eeking a living out of small town life. Little cafe’s and wonderful local parks. Schools where the busses pick up and drop off every student, at their house. Where all the kids get hot breakfasts and lunches – regardless of economic need. Where you can walk to the local drugstore and see hand made soap for sale (yes, I brought some home). And where people know their neighbors. It was a much needed trip to once again feel good about this country. To glimpse into the diorama of quiet life in small towns. I actually got to see an Amish farmer driving his black buggy down the street. I was so excited I forgot to snap a photo. It was a long enough stay, in a quiet small town, that I desperately want to go back again, even with layovers and 17 hours of flying.
The trip was over too soon and we had a tearful goodbye. And then we got home and discovered we had brought with us our grandchildren’s bugs. Sigh. The day after we got home we found out our grandchildren’s school closed because too many kids were sick. Yay me! So for a few weeks in November, we both had the crud. (Not c19 or anything, just seasonal crud). I was still busy submitting campaign information for our local elections, so it kept me occupied at home. I couldn’t work the polling place because of the crud, but I kept my fingers in the pot. LOL.
One of the amazing things about Alaska is the snow. It is gorgeous. We had what we are calling the Blizzard of ’22. We got snow upon snow upon snow. And the 75 mph winds were insane. Power outages galore. Hubby was out of town when it hit and I was able to shovel the front to clear a path for our new stove to be delivered (haven’t had a working one in months) and to get our wood stove going. I was proud of myself. Poor man had to trudge up the driveway and dig himself out in order to even bring his truck to the house. What a way to end a week traveling! The snow was deep. We had 6-foot berms in our front yard. No joke.
Our dogs love the snow. And when it piled up that high, they loved the advantage! Maggie is barking to let me know she’s ready to come inside. Kolbe had looked out there and chose to stay inside with me. LOL. Smart guy! The snow got so high, it is over our 6-foot fences in the back, so the dogs now go outside on leads. Otherwise they think it is ok to just walk over the fences into everyone else’s yards. The winds also pushed the snow so we have portions of grass on one side showing, with 7+ foot snow berms on the other side of the yard. Most people say we set records for snowfall and winds. We already had the record for the most rainfall this summer. Alaska. We won’t have a drought anytime soon. Snow melt season is gonna stink!
I am thankful the temperature is back up into the 30s. Those -20s were a killer. The hubby went ice fishing this weekend and they didn’t even set up their tents. Heaters were going, but they were able to sit outside. That’s something!
Christmas came and went. In-between the holidays, we celebrated 38 years of marriage. We had a nice meal out, just us two. And then New Year’s came and went. Another wonderful evening just the two of us. We had been invited out for fireworks, but honestly, blowing snow and 35 degrees? Nah. Wood stove, a nice cup of hot coffee, and a good movie…we were fine. In bed by 10pm. LOL!
And here we are. Months after my last post. No one hardly comes to read my blog anymore. And that is fine, too. Everything has its season. Perhaps my blogging days are winding to a close.
I had a doctor’s appointment for blood work follow up and my annual physical. (That experience could entail an entire post!) I’m fine, by the way. I’m 1″ shorter than I used to be. A few pounds less, and I was consistently told things like, “for a woman of your age,” or “well, considering your age, ” and “you are in that bracket of 65 and older now, ” and “you qualify for the monthly medicare foot-care clinic.” Ugh. I finally told them to knock it off! I’m not that old. Good heavens!! In a way, maybe I am getting too old to opine on social media. Once people hear I have 6 grandchildren and graduated from high school in the early 70s, they tend to place me in the “irrelevant” category. I have always noticed that because of my size (still overweight, with gray hair) people don’t notice me too much. I blend into the background. Now that I am older, it seems that what I have to say, or add to the conversation, is not as germane as it once was. And that makes me sad. Pissed a little, too. Because when I see the idiots in our legislature here and on the national stage, I know they could use some old-time wisdom. Some people just age..they skip the wisdom part. And if my voice no longer carries outside my living room walls, maybe that is the right order of things. It’s up to my kids now; their generation is becoming the ones running things. My dad, who is 96, still rages against his cage in the memory facility he lives in. But I am glad he’s still angry – it means he’s still thinking and things are not right, on some level. And he’s locked away, no longer relevant to the world. It’s sad when you start realizing that you are one of the “old people” walking around. LOL.
Thinking on it all, I do have much to say, but there is a lot of clatter out there. I don’t want to become another “clanging gong” in amongst all the others. My posts may become irregular, or perhaps even cease altogether. I’ll ponder it and see what I feel as life moves along. I cling to my faith first and foremost, and to my husband and our love for one another, my family, and my friends. My circle is quite small these days.
And I try to be my best self where I am. I think God wants that of us all. Participate locally, to make this world a better place. And comment on your life once in awhile. I think that’s where I’m headed. Who said aging is a cup of tea??? LOL…
I took a break from blogging and social media. We left town for a few days. It rained at least 50% of the time, but we were gone! The rain was loud on the camper, but wonderful at the same time! We drove another long, long drive to Valdez, Alaska. It is about 6.5 hours. With no radio reception. All my hubby and I did was chat. It was a slice of heaven. No interruptions. No sounds other than the ones that come with driving a long ways. Some funny things? My FitBit thought I was walking. Honestly. I kept getting notices that I had met my hourly goal of 250 steps. By the time we got to Valdez, my daily 10,000 steps were done. I cracked up. The only thing I can figure is that the roads are just so bumpy my Fitbit thinks I’m walking. So I arrived in Valdez exhausted from all those steps and the immensity of the conversation I had with my hubby.
Kolbe and Maggie on our bed in the camper.
When I pack for vacation, I make our bed. Clean sheets. Blankets. Whole thing. Well, the dogs got into the camper and immediately made themselves comfy. And the bed was messy the rest of the trip!!
Rainy Saturday
Valdez is a port city. It gets lots of rain. So this weekend was no exception. We got a lot of rain. But I truly did not mind. I love it there. For some reason, I relax. The mountains are all around us. My granddaughter and I counted 21 glaciers around us. We could see countless waterfalls. The colors of fall were just making their way over the mountains. It was a beautiful site to camp and explore.
The first fish of the trip…
This trip ended up being more about fishing with grandpa than sightseeing. And even though they were fishing in the rain, it was still a lot of fun. Ever heard of the term, “combat fishing”??? I had but I had never seen it. This trip, we lived it. It was pretty incredible. There was a late-season, heavy, silver run of salmon. And everyone that loved to fish was there. LOL. I kid you not…fishing was side-by-side and if you left your “spot” another fisherman would quickly take it. Even if that someone was a kid. People were catching their limits in 4-5 hours. And the fish were big.
Valdez Labor Day 2022
I’m not sure if you can fully grasp how many people there are, but look at the photo above. Please note there are RVs and trucks, cars and campers parked all along the roadway until after the curve. There are people all on the rocks as far as there are cars. It was crazy. Raining off and on, and sort of chilly. But the fish were running, so the fishermen were there!
I learned about all the different sorts of salmon. I still couldn’t tell them apart. I suppose if I studied them, I could. But fishing is not my thing, so I just didn’t put forth the collegiate effort to learn! LOL! My granddaughter learned about fish, and zombie fish. The “fish” are swimming as if their lives depended on it (because it does) to reach their spawning grounds. It’s what salmon do. They are born in these rivers, migrate to the ocean, and after 2-3 years (depending on which type of salmon they are) then they return in early fall to spawn and die. Once they spawn, their life cycle is complete. The zombie fish are the ones who have been swimming for a long time but have not been able to reach their spawning ground. They keep swimming even after they have begun to actually decay. It is sad, really, to see all the dead fish that are floating around. There are literally 1000s that die before making it back. The wildlife take care of most of it, and nature takes care of the rest.
My granddaughter was appalled to watch fishermen reel in a zombie and throw it onto the rocks and it slowly flop around until they died. These fish have no chance of survival and they are not good to eat (decay has already begun). So most fishermen just let them die on the rocks, rather than throw them back to the sea. My granddaughter told her grandpa that “No fish should be just left to die out of the water. That is mean. We need to put them back in.” So whenever grandpa, or her dad, brother, or even she herself caught a zombie, she made sure they were “set free” back to the ocean. We all rolled our eyes but also smiled at how sweet that was. We all knew these zombies were doomed, but we loved her heart.
First Catch – Zombie fish…
She delighted in everyone’s first catch. When she got hers, she was so excited. Then realized it was a zombie. But dad and grandpa had to crawl over the rocks to be sure that zombie got to swim away. What a precious memory!!!
Me and Kathleen
My daughter-in-law and I supervised from the shoreline. We didn’t last as long as the men! We took off to look at the fish weir and watch the sea lions and harbor seals catching their own fish…
Sea Lions Labor Day. Valdez 2022
This trip we counted more than 27 sea lions at one time, catching fish. Oh my goodness are they loud. Not as loud as all the gulls, mind you, but between the sound of the fish weir (waterfall), the gulls, and the barking sea lions, it is not a quiet spot! And it is never dull. So much wildlife to see. And they could care less that they have an audience!
Valdez Waterfall
This is just one of the hundreds of waterfalls in and around Valdez. We drove – well, bounced – up this crazy road – trail – rock pile – to find this waterfall so the family could pan for gold. The story of me driving over a rickety old wooden bridge is a story in and of itself. And my eldest son was a total brat and teased me so badly about my fear of old, rickety, wooden bridges. Anyway, I digress. We found this amazing space through some trees to this waterfall. The water was brisk and bracingly cold, but nonetheless, shoes were discarded and silt was placed into pans and gold was hunted.
Is it????
Could it be????
I think there is a spec in there, Grandma!!!
It was so much fun to be out in the middle of absolutely nowhere, and to run across another family biking or hiking. We would nod our heads at them like we shared a secret. We finally were doing what people think you do if you camp in Alaska! LOL! We had a great afternoon. We then chose to get all our moose chili fixings and return for high tide to try and catch more fish. Along the trek back to the trucks, I took some photos of the little things we passed by…
Spores in Valdez
Moss??
Fish 2 was caught!
And we had another happy fishing session. It was interesting to watch our grandkids disengage from electronics and enjoy the company of family, learning a new sport, and spending time outdoors in this amazing place we all call home.
The afternoon passed quickly in hunt of the perfect fish. The people were congenial and helpful. Fishermen love to share lore and tricks and special ways of snagging the fish. They all helped the kids with nets at the ready, and encouraging words. It was great. And people were from all over. But we noticed a majority were from Fairbanks, with Valdez being their only ocean access. And that boggled the mind for me. We have so few roads and have to make our way around mountains and rivers – there are no direct routes anywhere.
Our route is through Glennallen to Valdez
We looked at maps and I guess it’s about the same mileage as from Anchorage. It just seemed further from Fairbanks. There is a sign along the highway where it says something like “Anchorage 312 miles/Fairbanks 320 miles” so I guess it’s a similar drive. These people come every year for the silver run, and usually around Labor Day. I’m thinking we may return next year, too!!
We then drove out to the Valdez Glacier Lake and the glacier field. It was incredibly beautiful.
Floating Glacier Ice
Valdez Glacier Lake
We spent quite a lot of time there, gathering silt water in plastic bottles. They are fun to have because if you mix the water and the silt in the clear plastic, over time the heavy stuff goes to the bottom and you get to see all the layers of goodies contained in a glacier field. It gathers bits of the earth as it moves along the mountains. Most of the contents are quite literally thousands of years old. What a beautiful place!
Valdez Glacier Tributary
We chose to stop along the way to dig in some silt and look for “Squatch trees” along the river banks, only to realize they are across on sandbars and that water is far too cold and moving too quickly to even attempt to grab a tree. And if you do not know what a “Squatch tree” is, you can read my previous posts or research it. All I can say is, “Who knew?” LOL.
Valdez Harbor
After meandering through town, we drove out to the Harbor. It was just so darn pretty outside. We could walk along the harbor, among the boats, and see the fishermen bringing in their catch to process. We looked at the boats and spoke fantastical dreams about owning one of them (It will never happen) and joked about the amazing number of salmon and halibut we would catch. Then we found these amazing food trucks. The scent wafted over the seashore and had us practically drooling. We went back to our trailers and sat in the sun munching on the most delicious street tacos! They were simply the best any of us have had in – well – maybe the best ever!! So so good!
Grandkids being kids…loved it.
We were coming to the end of our trip to Valdez. Once more the fishermen headed out to see what they could catch. The kids have been bitten by the fishing bug. Grandpa is very happy about that. They were successful and we then made a great dinner and started to wind down our journey. We all retreated to our trailers to start the packing process. We had some of our usual evening, warm, Golden Milk and settled in for our final night of camping, ready to drive home the next day.
Valdez Harbor
As we were getting ready to leave, heavy clouds rolled into the bay, and and the weather was getting rough. We had winds the night before and we knew more rain was coming, so the timing for us was good. We did not leave as early as we would have liked, but we also didn’t mind being there longer. Valdez has mesmerized us and we can all imagine many more happy days camping and fishing and exploring. This was probably our last camping trip of 2022. It seems weird to close the door on that part of our lives, for now. We have plans to map out next summer’s schedule and deciding where we want to go. We will be making camping reservations early in January for the entire summer, to ensure we get good camping sites, in all the places we have come to love, but also plan to explore areas north of us. It is exciting to even think about. But today the winds are whistling, we have heavy rains, and yellow leaves dot our lawns. Summer is pretty much over, and so is traveling the roads of Alaska with our dogs and our camper until next season. What a grand summer it has been.
I have become sort of cynical in recent times. Mostly because I see things, and see them as life-long objective truths, that are now being poo-poo’d as myth and legend. And then there are things that were once historical legend, that are being put forth as lost truths. Lost history. Things held back from “common knowledge.” If you are any sort of fact-digger, you know what I mean when I say that there are so many “rabbit holes” we can go down. There are times when I find hours missing and just a handful of new facts to digest. Sometimes it is so well hidden you have to dig, redirect, and start a new dig, all after the same thing.
There are many subjects to check out:
Tartaria and the Mud Floods
Flat Earth
Nessara/Gessara – why did the Pope just ask all church monies be sent immediately to Rome?
9/11
Pentagon
Election fraud
C19 and Big Pharma fraud
Rockefeller and institutional medicine and pharma
NASA and the entire concept of outer space and moon landings
Organized religion and the history of its patriarchal structure
Common folklore around the world (floods, saviors, angels, giants, etc)
North and South Poles
South Pole treaty and why it’s off limits to common people
Food shortages – why they are trying to starve us
C19 injection injuries and all these deaths – sudden adult death syndrome – young athletes and children dying
Supply train issues – truckers, train operators, dock workers. What is happening worldwide?
Monkey Pox and polio – seriously? Another lockdown??
Trump Derangement Syndrome – why the sudden hatred of all things conservative? Trump, the Republican party, candidates, election outcomes, primaries, etc. Why did Biden just enlist Tik-Tok to help with the upcoming elections in November????
Ageism. Why the push to get rid of the elderly? Why push vaccines on them? Why house them in all these homes/institutes?
Simple one – Fluoride. Why is it in our toothpaste and water? It’s not about cavities at all. Look into this…it’s the beginning of healthier living. While you’re at it, look into aluminum, too. Quit using aluminum deodorant and foils. Seriously.
The push to outlaw natural medicines and herbs. Why is that? See Rockefeller and medicine. It will explain a lot.
One of my favorite authors – Sahara, etc. Great books!
There is so much that has been buried and lost to us. SO much. I wish each of you reading this would take some time and choose one of the issues I listed above and just dive into it. The list is far from complete, and I have learned far more than just these things. However, this list has changed me – inherently changed me. I no longer accept common knowledge as fact. I certainly disavow TV pundits and “news” programs. I believe this quote is perfect:
And yet, here we are!
It’s paramount to your health, and your livelihood, and longevity to search out alternate answers to common questions. For example, the CDC backed off people who chose not to vaccinate. They now tell us unvaccinated, with their natural immunity, are equal to the vaccinated. That we no longer require quarantine or social distancing. Masking accomplishes nothing. Children, when exposed to C19, no longer have to stay home from school. Oh my goodness, a huge study I listened to yesterday cited the study of the PCR tests. 1000s of them. Not a single one was positive for C19. At several universities. Not a single positive result. We have been manipulated and lied to. For years. One of the pharmaceutical companies is suing the other for stealing their covid shot formula, that they had worked on for YEARS before covid was even a thing. And it was patented, too. Beyond evil, what was done to the world because of a phony virus. And now they are telling us it is Monkey Pox? Dig into that one. Yuck. And trust me, you more than likely have nothing to worry about. And the resurgence of polio? Try looking into the fallout from repeated boosters for Covid. Yeah.
There is so much more to say. But in the long run, you will make choices that will affect your life until the end of your life, and beyond. Choose carefully. God will not be mocked. In the end, God wins. Period. There is still objective truth, because it is God’s truth. Search for it. Cling to it. Demand it of your circle, or tighten the circle. Learn and grow in the wisdom of God, not of man.
kaiserswest 