Winter Doldrums

I am a little down today. It’s Black Friday and I’m feeling the black mood. LOL. Yesterday we enjoyed a wonderful Thanksgiving meal with our son and his family. My daughter-in-law outdid herself. The food was amazing. And they had decided that since they had so few Thanksgiving decoration items, they would just go ahead and bring on Christmas. And it was lovely!!! The decor looked amazing and it added to the festive attitude. Our grandson made everyone welcome letters. It was so sweet. I was able to sit with each grandchild and listen to them read from their favorite new books. They are doing so very well. I am so proud of them.

This image was floating around the web and it was one of many that sort of spoke to the day. And to 2020 as a whole! LOL! We enjoyed our Thanksgiving regardless of what was going on around us. Our DIL said a lovely prayer, and then we went around the table, telling everyone what we are grateful for. My granddaughter stole the show when she told us she was grateful for hot water! And to be honest, the simplicity of that was just beautiful. It was where she was at. And she continually amazes me with what she shares. LOL.

I am sure you can see, even without a full face, that she is a character! And I thought about it and having character is a good thing. I also saw my mom yesterday; her character has stood her in good stead over her lifetime. She has end-stage Alzheimer’s and is now with Hospice care in her Assisted Living Home. Because of the chaos of Covid, people like my mom are cut off from everyone they know. We have lockdowns and our most vulnerable, our elderly, have no one to hold their hands or share stories of their lives with – no one who really knows them well. The staff are such amazing people and I know that they have developed their own family within the home, and I have seen how they care for mom. I am eternally grateful that they will be the ones spending her final days with her. But I am kind of mad it is not me. On the other hand, she is in an Assisted Living because living with us just did not work out so well. I’ve said it before, but something inside mom knew the order was wrong – she was supposed to be caring for me, in her home, because she is the mother. And it was all backwards for her, and as she descended further into Alzheimer’s World, this one confused her too much. She was frustrated and angry and I was the closest person she could take it out on. And since she has lived there, we had been able to restore our mother-daughter bond. Until yesterday.

High School Graduation 1974 – Me and Mom

Yesterday, mom did not know who I was. For the first time. And it undid me. She has no memory of being a mother, or having children running around, all the years of my childhood, of my brother and I. She has no memory of being married. She does remember she danced. The annoying part for me is that I am jealous of her years dancing, because she remembers that and not me. She took ballet and tap and was a part of the Royal Ballet – their junior troupe – until she was 18. She is 91 and she recalls that part of her life. When she asks to go home, she means New Zealand, with her mom and dad. No memory of my dad, who she met at 20 and dated until 21, when they married. During that time, they built their own home. In Mt. Roskill, New Zealand. They immigrated to the USA in 1955. I was born in 1956, and my brother in 1958. My parents divorced when I was 22. Mom remarried, to the love of her life, and was married for over 30 years. They lived on a sailboat; they traveled. They enjoyed life so very much. (They lived in so many places we used to tease them that they belonged to the Witness Protection Program!!) And my children recall him as their grandpa. He passed away about 8 years ago. She has no memory. Of any of that. None of it. Alzheimer’s steals the person away from themselves, because it rips those memories away from them, leaving them hollow. And making those of us who live beyond them, longing to have them back.

Mom turned 91 and we brought her a gift and a card. They are on lockdown, so I was only allowed to stand in the storm entry while she remained in the house. She read this card and commented how nice it was. I told her it was from us, her daughter and son-in-law. And she responded, “Oh. That’s who you are.” My heart sunk. She had been looking at me so deeply, and after she said that, I realized she was searching for familiarity. And she could not find it. What was interesting was as we were about to leave, she called me by my full name – and when mom used to call us by our first and middle names, I knew it was time to listen. This time, I was happy she associated me with my name, but there was no reason to pay attention because she had already checked out. She was being wheeled back to her recliner and called over her shoulder, “Call me sometime and we can get together. I would like that.”

Mom and I the day she moved in with us, in 2017

The days have certainly raced past these three years. The interwoven life we had when mom lived with us, has gone by far too quickly, as Alzheimer’s has just stolen more and more of Mom away. I am so very blessed we had the time we had, just she and I. We had the conversations we needed to have, so that I can ensure these last days are how she wanted to spend them. The Hospice team is incredible, and so very kind and understanding. We have zoom meetings and they do me so much good. They understand this disease and although they are there to give mom the best medical care, they are also there for me. And I feel blessed for that. The Chaplain and I hit it off, and she plans to call me regularly. Not mom, but me.

And that brings me to the winter doldrums.

It sort of feels like it is time to huddle. LOL. The holidays are fraught with all sorts of landmines, and this just brought me down. I am going to have to do some baking or play Christmas music or something, because I just paused writing this, called the Chaplain back and left a message, and had a weepy moment.

They say Alzheimer’s is the long goodbye. And I totally get that. I realized my parents are pretty much gone for me. Dad has dementia and we haven’t spoken in a couple of years, and that relationship has been purely over-the-phone, off and on, for about 30 years or more, and steadily that way for over 21 years. So we were not that close. But Mom was a different thing. To watch her shrink into herself and for us not to be able to connect, well, it is devastating. I long for some mom moments with her even at 64 years old. But I realized yesterday that I will never have that again. And it deeply struck me on Thanksgiving Day.

I am also looking to my granddaughter in her simplicity…and I will be thankful for all of it. Because the bad and the good are what make up life and it makes it richer. Moving forward, one day at a time. And appreciating hot water!

I am thankful, with my granddaughter, for hot water!

Plandemic – Lockdowns – Holidays

So, don’t judge me too harshly. Yes, our tree is up. So are all our decorations around the house. We have not put up anything outside, as of today. That may change, but who knows? My daughter-in-law helped me do this while my husband traveled for work last week. I was worried he would not be happy, but he just shook his head and said, “Why not? I’m just glad I didn’t have to do it!” He was also impressed our DIL climbed down under the house to our crawl space, brought all the boxes up, and then put them all back down there, again! She was my hero of the week!!

If you are familiar with Jim Shore’s creations, you will recognize the style, if not the statue. I am in love with all Jim Shore! His representations just make me smile. These two Santas are on the side table by my chair in our living room. I love looking at them so much. The world is so chaotic right now, why not have some Christmas? I am different in that I am devoutly Christian and am not moving the Birth of Christ or anything of that nature. We have started Advent, so I feel like it’s time to decorate anyway. But, I do not leave the Christ Child in my nativity scenes. I play this game with our kids and hide him daily. I tell them, “Find Christ and keep Him in your lives every day!” Well, now that we have just one at home, and he is almost 22 years old, I did not think he would care. He came in the house in the evening after we had put up the tree. He walked in and audibly sighed and said, “I like it. A lot.” Later on in the evening, as he and I were eating dinner, he shouts, “Found Him!” I laughed. I really did not think he would care at this point. So since he found Him, I had to move The Christ Child around.

Our singing, stuffed, Santa in camo is holding the Christ Child on his knee. We will see if He is found the next time one of our kids or grandchildren are over! And I love the movement of the Christ Child throughout our house. It makes Him come alive in a silly game. But my kids love it, even as adults. My grandchildren play the game when they are here, too. There is nothing wrong placing Christmas decor up in your home if you feel the pull. I personally enjoy a lit tree because it gets dark around 4:00pm here, and does not get light in the mornings until almost 10am. I love sitting with just the tree on, drinking my morning brew. After all, it is 2020 and it has been an awful year. Our state is closing down today, for three weeks. I have no idea what Thanksgiving will be like. I bought a tiny ham for my husband and myself if it’s cancelled and it’s just the two of us!!

This was my first Jim Shore. I fell in love with the simplicity, and with the style and how engaging it was. My husband, and my DIL the other day, keeps telling me Santa rides a sleigh with reindeer, and I know that. But this is whimsical and just cute. It is a pain to store, because it comes in two pieces and the styrofoam is getting old. LOL. In this era where we have to be at home all the time, why not have the things around you that bring you momentary joy when you glance their way? Why not celebrate the coming Birth of our Savior now, when the world around us is afraid – afraid of catching a bug (with a 99% survival rate I might add) and afraid of each other? We’re all masked and hiding from one another. I feel the worst for children. When out shopping I rarely mask up (I always wear one at my doctor’s office) and quite often people will pull their kids away from me, because, well, you know, “the Rona”! Kids rarely catch it and are not germ-spreaders. I wish the main source of information would give accurate information. Most people are scared and think they’ll die. They won’t. My dad, who will be 94 soon, was in the hospital with both Covid, pneumonia, and strep. He survived. In fact, he was up and walking and feeling fine after 2 days in the hospital. He was symptom-free. He was one of the “vulnerable” population, too. I have a friend who is very vulnerable and yes, she would not survive, but she has so many other issues that would contribute – she’s on O2 constantly, among other things. So I get the concern. But that portion of the population is very small. We should quarantine them and let the rest of us roam freely – no mask required (they don’t do anything other than identify us as obedient sheep anyway).

One of the things I think we have forgotten in this era of masks, anger, and distrust, is the simplicity of service. We can opt to be kind to one another, even if we disagree. Our current status here was moved to locked down as of today. It means the CDC enacted strict distancing and basically asks everyone to work from home and stay home unless it is absolutely necessary. It is no way to live. Engendering fear in the populace is the art of control. And we begin to turn in our neighbors for not wearing a mask or for having people not of your household, even though they are family, over for celebrations. Good heavens, people! What has happened to us since March? That is only 8 months. In that short space of time, our country and our world has disintegrated into families locked in their homes, with little to no social interaction, children not playing with friends or going to school (I homeschooled so being at a brick and mortal school was not a priority). We just don’t want to risk getting sick. Which is kind of silly when you think in 2019 they estimated (still not sure – good old CDC) the deaths from the flu to be 34,000. And with all the shoddy reporting these days, somehow the CDC believes 1,000 people per day are being diagnosed with the Chy-na flu. (aka Covid-19). The deaths are just not happening. The news – the mainstream media – is making Covid out to be the great killer. It just is not. It is a form of the flu and it is very virulent. So wash your hands. Maintain good personal hygiene. Go outside! Get in the sun! Take vitamins. Eat home-cooked, good-for-you meals. Exercise with your kids. Play with one another. And decorate to make yourselves happy. Enact service with your family – do things for one another. Be kind to those you meet. Do not be fearful. The plandemic, because I do believe this was international germ warfare, is not going to destroy our country. We may come out of it different people, but don’t be the one who is narcing on their neighbor for no mask or having a birthday party!

I stand at this window when I wash dishes. And I love to be reminded of things. I placed the items there to direct my thinking when I am standing there. I see the sock-darner of my grandmother; I see the cross, the angel, the icon of Christ, and now I see my Santas. My husband made those for me. There is another one, and he is red, and he is over by my stand mixer (They match). I try to see these things and remember to get my head straight. I pray when I see the Cross, and I see the Holy Water. I have cute little figurines from my kids up there (a character from the movie, Avatar, and a little gnome my husband found). Why I am telling you this is that the world is against us. The NEW WORLD ORDER (NWO) does not want us meditating on the past with our families; the future and praying to God. They do not want our families intact – they want the State to care for us.

And there you have it…the holidays so far….

Hospice. Stunned. Expected.

This is my mom as a little girl in New Zealand. Next month, she will be 91 years old. I am praying she makes it to her birthday. I have shared with you all about our journey with mom and her Alzheimer’s disease. It really is the long goodbye, and there are some awful moments. But there is joy along the way as well. We have spent some horribly tearful moments with mom, but we have also had ooodles of laughter. She is beloved by all that come in contact with her. Below is mom with my younger brother. They laughed and laughed.

Mom loves her kids and grandkids, and the great-grandkids. She had a way of making you feel like the most important person in the room. And to her, at that moment, you were. When she visited for the first time in Alaska, our oldest son’s children were little. Like 3 and 1, I think. She would get down on the floor and play cars or whatever it was they were doing. I loved watching her do that. And the kids were loving it, too. She always is smiling and never wants to be a bother to anyone. And since I am her only daughter, she loved to help me in the kitchen. (Which I found funny, because I was not allowed in hers!) We spent many happy hours washing dishes and gabbing. It took me back to when I was a child and we would clean up after family meals at my grandma’s house, and all the female family members pitched in and washed and dried all the dishes – those were the days before dishwashers – and I loved seeing all the towels hanging around the kitchen, draped over the oven, counters, sink. It warms my heart. And mom and I re-created some of that with just the two of us. I smile when I think of it.

Mom’s friend, Jeannie, sent me this photo above and I just love it. It is of mom and her husband, Frank. It is the last time the four of them were together. And they look so good. I miss Frank a lot. He was such a joy in our lives, and mom misses him every day. In the hospital, she kept thinking the people walking into her room were Frank and she would say, “Frank, darling, is that you?” Breaks my heart!!

Back in June, mom fell and broke her hip. She had surgery and recovered so fast, we hardly knew it had even happened (we know she did not know it happened!! ). She had been doing so well, we had to place alarms by her bed and chair. She refused to stay down for more than 15 minutes day and night. It was disconcerting. She thought she was about 40, in her mind, and 40-year-old’s do not use walkers! And so, like we were afraid of, mom fell again and this time broke her opposite hip. She underwent surgery for the second time in 4 months. She now has, what the doctors called, “a matched set.” She has no idea she broke anything, just like the last time. Only this time, she is not progressing. And so today, we moved her back to her assisted living home, under the care of a hospice team. It is devastating, but I expected it long before this. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

Hospice in the age of Covid and governmental oversight is a new and tricky endeavor. Each state, each city, has precepts in place, as well as CDC guidelines. (To be clear – there are no LAWS. Just governances and statutes, precepts and guidelines. But no LAWS). To say it nicely, the elderly under hospice often die alone, with no one from their family allowed to be present. Some states are allowing, under a case-by-case basis, family members to come in. It is usually only 1 person, and it is the same person each time. It is cruel. And I officially hate this entire journey with this ugly virus around. Alzheimer’s is bad enough, let alone adding Covid to the mix. To my way of thinking, I can’t make mom any worse than she already is, considering she is on hospice care. And no one can be in an assisted living home unless they test negative for Covid, or are screened. (Perhaps NY is an exception??). For me, I believe I am healthy enough to be with my mom, and she is certainly no danger to me. So I am very frustrated. To say the least.

One of the best things I did for myself and my mom, to prepare for her living with us, was to take advantage of the resources I had. And one of the best, hands down, is Alzheimer’s Resource of Alaska. Honestly, they are the nicest group of people who go out of their way to assist you in any way they can. You are able to walk into their offices, plop down into a chair, and bawl your eyes out if you need to. They even provide tissues and a hot cup of coffee, along with an experienced shoulder to cry on. (I also did that when I was tackling Medicare “everything” for my mom – only this time I went to Links of Alaska. I also got coffee and tissue! They helped me get through stupid amounts of paperwork, and they also made sure mom got all the assistance she was entitled to. They are amazing, and coordinating benefits is what they do best!!) At ARA, I took their in-person courses as well as their online offerings. And truly, I would not be able to handle everything I have in front of me, nor the journey thus far, without their input and instructions. I read what they suggested I read. I devoured everything I could about Alzheimer’s because I was about to become my mom’s caregiver, her voice, her protection, and her resource for everything. And trust me, it is nothing like becoming a foster parent or adopting a baby, because I have done both of those things, too. The staff gives you their personal cell numbers. They expect and encourage you to call anytime with questions or problems you need help getting through. They also provide a Care Coordinator, who works with the state and the federal governments, assisting families to ensure their loved one receives all the benefits and care they are entitled to. A wonderful, comforting group of people.

When you take on someone who has lived on their own for decades, and you try and assist them, it can be rough. In addition, when it is caught early, they understand their diagnosis. Mom knew what she had and told me she hated it. She has no clue now, but that has taken 10 years. It has been the past three years that she has been my sole concern. It is not easy. Not everyone can do it. I lasted almost two years before we placed her in an assisted living home. I tried but we did not work well as mother-daughter when it was all turned around. I think deep down she expected that she would care for me, and in her home, not the complete opposite. But now I am at arms-length because of Covid. And that hurts, it really does. The one thing I can be, and enjoy fully, is her daughter. Thankfully, through everything I learned through ARA, I was ready for today. I understood what mom wanted and how she wanted her last days to go. And I am keeping that promise to her. We had a day of lucidity several years ago and I am so grateful I had the courage to ask the tough questions. Because I was encouraged by ARA to ask the hard questions and to delineate all my mom’s wants, desires, and needs. We processed all the needed paperwork early and every “i” is dotted and every “t” is crossed and it’s notarized to boot!

I hate that this is the most recent photo of me and mom – masks! Ugh! Anyway, she fell just two days later. So you never know when you will need all the things that you need, until you need them. I made copies upon copies of every piece of paper we signed. I have file folders and clipped ID cards. I have files for Power of Attorney, and for medical information, for her burial/cremation, for her DNR/Comfort Care. There are copies for every bill we paid and every doctor we visited. I have copies of her information on file with all the EMTs and ER Hospitals in the area. It makes handling an emergency with a loved one so simple. All the local hospitals have all her records. They share back and forth and so it makes medical history so easy. All her medications are listed in one place (well, she only takes one medication and vitamins, so it is pretty easy!) for easy reference. You especially want that in case giving your loved one medication in the ambulance or ER may interact unfavorably with a prescription. And I have all the local pharmacies we can use, familiar with her information, as well. And I learned all this preparedness through studying and taking courses with Alzheimer’s Resource Alaska. I am sure there are agencies like it where you live. I also used LINKS Resource Center here in AK, as well. They both excel at what they do!!

My advice? Be prepared. Be over-prepared. Because when an emergency strikes, it conjures up all these emotions and we often do not think clearly. I was so grateful I just had to reach for a piece of paper in a familiar file folder – neatly labeled where I could easily see it. And with all mom’s information already on file, treating her in a timely matter was easy. And the hospital staff appreciated having her medical history at their fingertips. In addition I was sure all the agencies had my information readily available with current phone numbers, email address, and my POA paperwork on hand.

Mom is entering something new. She will be cared for, I am certain of that. She will be pain-free, I am also certain of that. And she will be lovingly walked through this next phase of life. And I am free to be her daughter, just the way it is supposed be. Please keep us in prayer!

Prayer for the Terminally Ill

Lord, Jesus Christ, Who suffered and died for our sins that we may live, if during our time we have sinned in word, deed, or thought, forgive us in Your goodness and love. All our hope we put in You: protect your servant, Maureen, from all evil. We submit to Your will and into Your hands we commend our souls and bodies. For a Christian end to our lives, peaceful, without shame and suffering, and for a good account before the awesome judgement seat of Christ, we pray to You, O Lord. Bless us, be merciful to us and grant us life eternal. Amen.

“Don’t want to beat a dead horse…”

I have had an interesting past couple of months. I had injured my back and my shoulder, simultaneously it turns out, and began visiting a chiropractor, who referred me to my personal doctor, who referred me to a neurosurgeon, who in turn referred me to a pain management physician. Whew. Lots of referrals. And last Friday I was given injections directly into my spine to try and ease the pain. I was scared to death, because I faint when I get shots. So one in my spine was scaring the poop out of me. I must admit I was being a baby. But this stupid dance with 24/7 pain for the past 8 weeks, has been one filled with (if I can carry the analogy even further) trips and stumbles, and very little harmony or joy. At least the neurosurgeon did say that nerve pain is far worse than giving birth. I think I would agree, since when I did give birth, it was done without even Tylenol. And so I felt acknowledged and that was comfort in and of itself. And although Friday was not a fun day, especially when the lidocaine wore off, by Saturday afternoon, I was pain free. For the first time in more than 70 days. And trust me, I am extremely grateful.

I was introduced to this “attitude of gratitude” idea a few years ago. I was challenged to keep a Gratitude Journal for 40 days. I would wake and say my prayers, and then immediately express my gratitude for whatever was in front of me, good or difficult, for that day. It was a struggle, day after day, to start with a thankful attitude. But what it did for me, well, it changed me. Because I learned to be grateful for the blessings, but also the opportunities to learn to feel thankful for the trials in my life. It is a big adjustment.

Each season, I drag out this box that barely fits under our bed, filled with seasonal decor. I have something for each “Hallmark Holiday” we have throughout the year. There are stickers or clings for my windows, different placemats I put on our side tables, little statues or signs. Even wreaths for different seasons for our door, and flags for the little flag display in our front flowerbed. And I keep specific things in my cupboards above my washer and dryer (I am vertically challenged and they are way too tall to use regularly) that won’t fit under my bed. As I hauled down my paper mâché turkey for our table, and my pretend tiny pumpkins for my little crystal bowl, I found this banner I had bought a couple of years ago. It is made of balsa wood and is colored in fall colors. It’s made of little leaves strung together on twine, separated by letters. And this year I thought to myself, I want this above our fireplace/TV area. It is where I would look at it every day. At the time, I was facing surgery for both my spine and shoulder. And I was frightened. But I wanted to remind myself that even in the worst of times, we need to be grateful, and we need to subsume our will to the will of God, for our lives. What is below is as close to what I have that I could find online.

I was trying to feel grateful even for the days of fog spent with pain and medication. Now please don’t get me wrong, I am not whining. I am trying to share from the point of view of where I am learning to place gratitude first. And, honestly, I am so very grateful. Because I believe God brought me to an abrupt stop. And He gave me time to reflect. He gave me time to gather myself. This world can splinter us. It can get us into a space of crazy chaos and noise. It can make our days fly by with no discernible accomplishment. An accomplishment can be simple – we give thanks to God. We make our bed. We get dressed. We call that person we have been meaning to contact. We file papers. We are present to those who are around us. We do the job we were intended to do. It does not have to be equal to slaying a giant with a rock, or some epic task. That being said, all our small accomplishments each day are our giants, and we are David, gifted with a small rock.

Today I was reflecting, as I glanced up at my “Gratitude” banner, that I am so very blessed. I had prayed for deliverance from the cycle of pain I was in, through God’s grace and in His plan for my life. And here I sit, my 3rd day with no pain. I am truly grateful. And I am focusing more on what is out there, in front of me. I am grateful for my husband and family; for my friends who I can call and whine to and who get me. I am beyond thankful for the health professionals who are caring for me, and helping me heal, pain-free. I am grateful for where I live. I love my home and the property around us; the trees and weather and my cute little bird houses outside. There is so much that God is doing for us, if we just stop and notice. When we make our environment simple, the blessings can jump out at you. And today, with the frost sticking to the ground for most of the this day, I am grateful to live where I can see the movement of nature and the seasons. I can appreciate the brief sunshine on the plants I rescued this weekend from the death of frost outside, sitting by my windows in their new pots. I can reflect at the little things…the wag of the short tail of our dog; the smile on my son’s face when he came home from a fire-fighting training. The joy of laughter shared over silly stories and jokes. The joy of having the life I have. An attitude of gratitude can color even your darkest days. And in those places, God reaches out to you…grab ahold!

Oh my word…

So, I have been in a lot of pain from my back, I am not on social media insofar as writing goes, and I have been stealing away to mystical, wonderful Mitford. Ahhh…the joys of a little town. An escape to a place where there is no overt sexuality, no profanity, and no violence! It is a balm for the soul. The series of books written by Jan Karon have been just what I needed. They have calmed me, made me laugh, and been a true respite from the inane sounds coming from the television in terms of news and/or programming. Wonderful!!

But when I finally chose to come back and post on my blog, the entire thing has been updated. The template I have been using all these years is gone. And I am in full-blown panic mode. I do not know how to use computers all that well. I can plunk my way through things, but technology is racing onward. You know, I don’t get why I can’t keep that old format. New is not always better, sometimes it is just new. And they also have narrowed down, for those of us who use this for free, our options. I don’t blog as a business. I don’t do this so readers will help me earn a living. I do this to get stuff off my chest, and to share. Who knows? Maybe some of you can relate to what I am going through, and it will make you not feel so alone in this insane world we live in. And I am about fit to be tied with this thing. I have no idea what this will even look like when I publish it, so bear with me. Change is hard. Very hard. And I try to be open minded and try to learn, but most days I could care less. LOL. Sad, I know. But dang it, I went to school decades ago and I am done. Plus they keep changing the facts. I want a refund. LOL. I know – reparations! LOL! I want reparations for all the crap I had to learn that everyone now says is incorrect. All the coffee I ingested in college, trying to stay awake and cram for tests of history and anthropology, which I am now told are not true. Ugh.

And here I am, trying to deal with this little nugget of change in my life. It truly is no big deal. I can choose to not blog. I can choose to keep things to myself. I can choose to type and just let it sit in my computer. I can pick up my current Mitford book and just float away into a lovely town. Or not. I can grab my big girl panties and learn something new. I can accept that this is how things are going to be and I can flow with it. I am working on the flow thingy. Right now, it is not easy. LOL.

There are so many options in life. And there are a myriad of choices we can make in any given situation. We should strive to choices that err on the side of good, and righteousness. We should always err to the right and not stumble and fall to the left. To be honest, in today’s world and the choices we have in front of us, we truly need that roadmap of faith to guide us properly. There are so many sayings about making the right decisions about the choices we can make. Because decision and choice are not the same thing. I can choose to go left, but I decide to make that turn. I can choose to go on a diet, but I must decide what food goes into my mouth.Right now, we have choices before us, and decisions to make about those choices.

We are hearing and seeing discrepancies from our media these days. People are worried about my sanity, because I choose not to listen to a lot of it (the mainstream media). And misinformation is flying on both sides, the right and the left. There are crazies on both sides and talking heads on both sides. And I am just looking for some peace, because I am tired of the chaos!! To that end, we enjoyed a wonderful meal with some close friends the other night. It was, first and foremost, a wonderful experience to eat at the same table, no masks, and enjoy one another’s company. The restaurant was full and everyone was laughing. It almost made the scamdemic seem like it did not exist. Normalcy has seemed almost an intangible thing. But there we were, eating shrimp tempura and calamari appetizers, laughing away at stories we had to catch up on. It was over too soon!

And even though we stole away from all the current hysteria for a few glorious hours, we still have to deal with those same choices in front of us. Do we go left or right? Do we choose based on policy? Or do we have other things to base our choices on? For me, my line in the sand has always been, and always will be, the right to life. People say someone can be pro-abortion (which I believe is murder) and still have great financial policies. To me, you cannot throw money around at pet ideologies and still think murdering a baby up to 9 months, and now some even say immediately after birth, makes you a viable candidate for my vote. You know how it is said that children who physically hurt animals will someday be serial killers? Now I don’t know the science about that, but I do believe that character counts. It counts in all areas. It counts in business – can I trust you? Are your numbers true or inflated? It counts in international peace agreements – did you really get rid of all your nuclear facilities and cache? It counts in life – did you kill that child because they would not stop crying? Because they did not fit into your lifestyle? Because it would be too much of a sacrifice right now? Murder of the unborn is just a matter of differentials in time and location. They were too young and in the uterus, or old enough to live but not born, yet. Or maybe they are born but no one wants them? Murder past the birth canal or murder above the birth canal are both murder. It is just time and location.

So for me, the choice cannot be for the left. They do not support life. None of them. Their plank even says so: “Democrats believe every woman should be able to access high-quality reproductive health care services, including safe and legal abortion. We oppose and will fight to overturn federal and state laws that create barriers to women’s reproductive health and rights, including by repealing the Hyde Amendment and protecting and codifying the right to reproductive freedom.” That was found on page 42 of the Democrat Party Plank 2020.

Because I vehemently oppose abortion, I will vote Republican this year. I prefer being Independent, but in my state, if you are an Independent, you only receive Democrat information. And being pro-life, that gets me nowhere. So, I am now Republican. But they are not really as conservative as I am. And so among the Republican candidates, I look for those who are completely pro-life. People who have their pet exceptions are not pro-life. They tap-dance around the subject, too afraid to take a strong stand against any threat to the lives of the unborn. The Republican plank from 2016, which I am told has gone unchanged for this election is this: American taxpayers should not be forced to fund abortion. As Democrats abandon this four decade-old bipartisan consensus, we call for codification of the Hyde Amendment and its application across the government, including Obamacare. We call for a permanent ban on federal funding and subsidies for abortion and healthcare plans that include abortion coverage.

For me, this is a simple election cycle, really. It is simple because it is about good vs. evil. In a nutshell. And I know I am painting with a broad brush, but we all do that when we vote party. We choose one party over the other. I know not all Democrats are evil, but to be a Democrat means you support Abortion, because that party does. Republicans do not. They dance around it and are not truly partisan, but they do not support it. Our President has said he does not believe in it, and wants to reverse Roe v Wade and abolish abortion. And so for me, I will be repeating my 2016 vote for Donald J. Trump. And I plan to vote red most of the ticket I will be given. I will not be choosing the “lesser of two evils” because I believe the Democrat ticket is evil; they do not value human life. Born or unborn – Governor Cuomo and the elderly who were positive for Covid proved that. He, a democrat, did not value the lives of those elderly. The Democrat presidential candidates have both stated their support of full term abortion. And infanticide – allowing a newborn to die if they survive an abortion. I just cannot walk down that road.

I am not part of a conspiracy theory. Do I believe some of what is floating out there? You bet I do. But I only believe that which I have verified all by myself, tapping away on my laptop. Will I cease relationship with those who do not accept these theories? Of course not. Relationships are far more important than political theories. I am more than political theories. Some things I will not abandon, most specifically my viewpoint on abortion equalling murder. But it does not mean I cannot be friends with those who believe it is okay. I disagree with them, they know it, and I pray for their change of heart. But we can still enjoy one another’s company. I have friends who are quite liberal. I have friends even more conservative than me. I have friends of differing faiths. I try to be well-versed and well-rounded in what I believe and who I allow into my life. So should everyone else. I am inherently on the side of God and faith, goodness and life. And most people within my orbit get that about it and it is okay. And we have agreed to disagree about this election. But please know, on November 4th when the pandemic magically disappears, when my vote has helped usher in another 4 years of the Trump administration, I will be here, ready to chat. When heroes on both sides of the aisle have to face justice, I will be here, ready and able to help you make sense of it. In the end, God wins my friends, God wins.

“We hold these truths…”

I am in the world of hashtags lately. LOL. As in # – that thingy. It seems that in the virtual world of online presence, hashtags are how people look for things, or find things that are important. Sort of like the terms you use when you do a google search. Depending upon how you phrase a search, you will get vastly different findings. So it is when you choose a search engine. I left google some time ago. All our devices use “duck duck go” because they do not track your searches, nor do they let tags be placed on your IP address when you search something. A tag? Yeah. That is what is placed on your computer ID whenever you visit sites. It is how they log hits. It is how they generate money and monetize your presence on the internet. It is why the media moguls fight so dearly to keep you coming back to their sites. Like when you are chatting about, oh I don’t know, vacation rentals, with a friend. The next time you log on to your phone or laptop you get all these ads for vacation sites, or airline tickets, or rental cars. Trust me, they (the media giants) follow you wherever you go. It is unnerving, if you think about it long enough (watch The Matrix again. This last time I watched it, it seemed like a horror movie I am living inside. New perspective gives you new eyes to see things. Your discernment undergoes a radical change) those thoughts can make you crazy. And sometimes you just want to pull the plug.

In modern parlance, you are being asked if you want the red pill or the blue pill. Choose the blue pill, everything stays just like it is. Sort of like “fat, dumb, and happy.” Then there is the red pill. That is where you choose to see reality. To know and understand what is going on around you. Like with hashtags. I did not know they follow you, or come back to you when you use them. That’s a little red pill. I have swallowed some pretty big red pills and honestly, once you head down that road, it keeps you awake at night. And almost daily, I am presented with a new red pill and quite often I pause and consider if that pill, or that new rabbit hole, is something I want to discover. I distract myself with word search books. I have a stack of them on the little end table by my chair. I will do quite a number of them and it satisfies my desire to find something. LOL. But inevitably, I go back to the red pill or rabbit hole. But I am prepared. I pray about these things, a lot, before diving in. Because most of the truth we do not see, nor do we truly want to see, is hard to believe. It shakes you to your core. It changes everything and I mean everything. You look at the world with different eyes – eyes more prepared to honestly discern things. And this is where cognitive dissonance comes in. What is that? See below…

I have had experiences where I will reply with things like, “Are you sure?” “No; that can’t be right!” “That’s insane. People aren’t like that!” “Oh come on, that is so ridiculous.” I am sure you get the picture. When something is just so outside your comfort zone you have to discard it or your entire world will tilt. Well, mine is tilted. Yeah. I guess you could call me a conspiracy nut. You could but I then would say that it is only a conspiracy theory until it is in the open and proven to be true. The one I think most are familiar with would be the Epstein debacle. The tentacles of that red pill, which I encountered a few years ago, go far and wide, and very high in governments around the world. The world. Depositions and hearings will be really hard for people. Buckle up. (“I did not have sex with that woman” aka Billl Clinton, will haunt you!).

In continuing with the Matrix theme, there are so many memes out there that are hilarious. This one I like because I am not going to be lining up for the next couture vaccine. As for Covid, I do believe it is a virus. I do believe people have become ill from it. My own father, aged 93, was hospitalized with covid + pneumonia + strep. My step mom was also hospitalized for the same thing. They are fine and skewing the statistics each day they breathe freely. My dad was actually annoyed at being hospitalized, but part of that is his personality. Part of it was that he was completely symptom free within days but was kept in the facility for months. Poor man. (Poor staff! He can be quite the stinker). However, I do believe it is a flu. The masks do not work. Social distancing is a hoax, and those 14-day quarantines are unnecessary. So many articles and studies back this up but people only get their information from limited sources and refuse to believe otherwise (see cognitive dissonance above). It is frustrating to be treated like a pariah when you walk down grocery aisles without a mask on. The philosophy for me is that if the masks work and you are wearing one, you are safe from me, right? Because the mask keeps you safe. It should not matter if I choose not to wear one. Just like with vaccines. If they work and you have had a vaccine, then you are safe. Right? So if you get a covid vaccine and are around me, who is not wearing a mask and who has covid, you are safe – you are vaccinated and are wearing a mask – double protection. The issue for me is governments mandating that I must comply or I will be arrested!! Arrested for not wearing a mask!! Do you ever think of the insanity of being arrested for not wearing something, that does no good? On the box for the surgical masks (the ones they pass out to you if you are not wearing one)  it addresses covid directly!! Homemade, sewn from cute fabric, or ordered online, masks do NOTHING. They steam your glasses, they make you inhale CO2, they help give you a nesting area for germs and help make you sick (look it up!!). Do you wash your mask each time you use it? Really? Most people hang them from their rear-view mirrors as some sort of flag about how they comply and are good citizens. Really people?? Or they put them there, telling me the sun kills the germs. If that is so, why don’t we all go outside and get some sunshine??? Hmmmm??? Vitamin C and D help our immune systems, folks. Just like they recommend during flu season. Oh wait, covid is a type of flu! LOL!

Does anyone use the right mask? No, they do not. Not a single mask you see, unless you see someone in full hazmat gear, will do a thing to prevent Covid. It just doesn’t work that way. Science is truly fun! We need to search for ourselves, which is the point of this entire post, rather than accept the “hive mind” nonsense we are seeing on TV. Even the CDC, which is another red pill, changes its mind weekly about whether masks are good or not. Goodness knows the two most quoted national-stage doctors, Fauci and Birx, change their minds almost weekly, too. You do you. Do not expect the government to make these decisions for you. #constitutionovercoronavirus is a big hashtag these days. We have rights and we need to know what they are.

For less than $1 and free shipping, you can get this on Amazon. It’s pocket sized. I highly recommend everyone get themselves a copy. I also have a copy of my state’s constitution, so I am fully informed of my rights. The world is undergoing massive change. People are choosing the red pill in almost all areas of their lives. I have. Yes, it is hard and some days you stare mindlessly into the abyss and question everything you have every been taught. And it brings you to your knees in prayer – in seeking discernment and clarity. I pray everyone chooses those red pills, because truth is coming on wings of the angels (the angels who help us in battle) my friends. Our “new normal” does not have to be our future. Think on it. And start looking things up for yourself. But don’t use google, please!!! Try another platform that does not steal your information from you! LOL! Maybe that’s your first red pill! If it is, congratulations! You are on the right pathway…

“…abundant rain on tender grass…”

“Pain doesn’t just show up in our lives for no reason. It’s a sign that something needs to change.”

Our chiropractor has a great saying on his website, “First, your body will gently whisper to warn you. Unheeded, it speaks with greater urgency. If ignored, it may escalate into full-fledged shouting! And guess what? August was the month of great shouting. You know, it has been a series of lessons for me. (1) I am not getting younger; (2) I don’t bounce back like I did in my youth, and (3) I need to pay better attention to the whispers before the shouting drowns out everything else. I have gone from my chiropractor to my NP (Nurse Practioner) and back to the Chiropractor. My NP’s approach is nutritionally based, with some therapies and modalities. Then she progressively gets more intensely involved. And now we are in the stage of pain control and further investigation (an MRI coming soon to a shoulder/back/neck near me!!). And I am finally getting some relief. The medications have really helped, but still not enough that I can sleep in my bed! But the pain has lessened and allows me to not be so foggy. I feel like I have lost a month! It is hard to focus when you cannot see through the pain to just get comfortable in one position where there is no pain. It has been a trial.

But another lesson is to see the world at large and my faith walk, in light of this painful setback. When all you can do is word search puzzles and endless HGTV and HULU re-runs, your brain turns to mush. Even typing is no fun – this will have to be short because the pain is peeking through the medication. Ugh. It has lessened my social media time and presence, to be sure. This whole experience, with my wonderful husband by my side, has helped bring some clarity. First of all, we both need to invest in our health. I want to be there for my grand babies. I love them so much and don’t want poor health to keep me away from them, or for me to die before we get to make some memories together. And I want a better quality of life so my hubby and I can move on into our retirement years, enjoying patterns of taking off in a trailer and fishing, or hiking the amazing mountains here. Or be able to garden and walk the dog.  And so, we are both taking steps, in consultation with the wellness team we are assembling around us, to take our future into our own hands. We are being pro-active to getting healthy. And that feels so positive in this sea of stupid pain. Seriously ridiculous.

All of this is a parallel to what we all need to be doing in our walk with God. We need to be pro-active at seeking Him out where He is, and He is waiting, all around us. We need to heed the whispers of His Holy Spirit moving in our lives. We need to make changes if we are not responding in a life-growing and life-giving way. We need to be present. We need to show up. We need to forcibly take back our faith and make it our own. We need to drown out the static and noise surrounding us. We need to back away from the insanity in the world of pandemics, riots, and politics and just chill. Sometimes when you have a physical set back, God allowed it to slow you down, to still you so you can hear His whispers. I am listening, Lord. In through the waves of pain; the fog you get as intense pain is with you 24/7, the Lord is quietly whispering, “Come to me, all you that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.Take my yoke on you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and you shall find rest to your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-29)

I’m moving, very slowly, in the right direction. Stopping to smell the roses and contemplate how life is, how it should be, and how we are going to get there is a re-set so many of us need in our lives. So I am blessing Him in the rain…in the pain…in the daily…in all things, Blessed be the Lord. Amen.

“..the ancient paths…”

I pinched a nerve in my shoulder and I am cranky. The pain is ridiculous. I normally do no meds, so for me to regularly ingest Ibuprofen, you know it’s bad! I read up on it today and total rest is the sole cure, other than surgical intervention – and that is not even on the table. I am not a fan of doctors in general, and to cut on me in particular. So rest it is. Ointments and anti-inflammatories are the suggested cures, along with massage, once the pain is not as acute. We will see. I guess this is one of those “only time will tell” scenarios. Joy.

So apparently I am in need of patience these days. So very true. LOL. I am a digital presence and enjoy digging into theories and posits on the web. And I have stuck my neck out, metaphorically, for certain other seekers on the web. This weekend, several who I felt I had connected to, turned tail and ran. I try not to judge. Truly. Years and years ago my oldest son accused me of prejudging a gal he was dating because she looked what I thought of as “trampy.” He told me she was a nice person, etc. (Of course, years later he did admit I was right in my judgement. Trampy it was). But it caused me to stop looking at book covers, and trying to read the book. And I have found such joy in embracing all sorts of people. They have added to my life and enriched it. I am glad I have learned a lesson in allowing “you to be you” and not trying to stuff people into my own box. My box is neat and tidy and very conservative. LOL. Perhaps not as much as some, but definitely more than most. Back to this weekend and my shoulder!!

“Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.  Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’  Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’ Matthew 7:21-23

Our world was rocked this week. And it is only the first week of August. Yesterday, last night, and today there are explosions around the world; there are fires in the USA and the Middle East; the FBI raided offices and made arrests yesterday, documents were released yesterday; Germany uncovered a huge pedophile ring involving thousands; states set up fines for not complying with mask rules; the 4,000th victim was rescued by the OUR (Operation Underground Railroad) organization; public lands and infrastructure was protected; the US Government set aside $34 million for victims of trafficking; congressional hearings were in full force….I am tired just typing all this stuff and it is not a complete list!

One of the horrific things yesterday was the blast in Beruit. We need to hold them all in our thoughts and prayers. Lebanon is an amazing country and I have friends from Lebanon. Their culture, their faith, their spirit are all intoxicating. They have been in financial turmoil and Covid issues have almost drained their economy, as well. Now this has left over 800,000 people with no place to live. If you have not prayed for these people, please do. We may not agree with their government but the people do not deserve to suffer and no prayers are ever wasted.

In amongst all these happenings, I feel like there is an immense lesson for us all, and for me, in particular. We must stop judging. But we must fight for the truth. Our world is in turmoil and much of it is man-made by those who revel in power and care nothing for each person. The people in power want to keep our cultures tied down. They want us to stop seeing the humanity behind the mask. They want us to stop gathering together, because when we do, we share information. And what those in power want most are agreeable sheep. The election in November will be world-changing. Because as America goes, so goes the world. This is so very important. And unfortunately, we are being lied to daily, by the media. There is no truth. You can superimpose every newscast, one on top of the other, and the words are almost identical. They want their message to cover us all with doubt and lies and separateness. People joining together for prayer and companionship and love is illegal. But gathering together to burn bibles and crosses is perfectly okay. Check out the latest in Portland if you don’t believe me.

This past Sunday, over 5,000 people gathered on the California beaches to pray and sing and worship together, despite what their governor mandated. It was glorious to see. Because in the end, God wins. Always. And when people use God to further their own agenda, that’s when my stomach turns and that darned pinched nerve go crazy. And that is what happened with me this past weekend. And what is the lesson from that? It is an old one, and it is pretty common sensical. We cannot place our hope in man. There is only one place our devotion should lay and that is with God. Period. We cannot look to a President to save us. We cannot assume our government will take care of us. No. That is all on us and our faith and personal determination, discretion, and discernment. I prefer everyone on the beaches, holding each other up by praying together. I prefer an open economy and not imposing dress code laws in the guise of protecting the health of others, as in mandatory mask regulations. I believe in a free America. I am an adult. My brain functions. I should be allowed to choose to wear a mask or not. Just like all those who want to murder their unborn child want me to allow them the freedom to do that. Their favorite slogan is, “My body, my choice.”  I am heartily pro-life, and do not see abortion as a solution for anyone at any time, so their choice for me, is one of murder. But to expect me to wear a mask, and possibly goggles, and in my own home or vehicle, is just insanity. And if I stay 6 feet away, we are not even communicating. It is the flu. But it is also an election year. And all hell is breaking loose.

So with betrayals all around us, with Bibles being burned, and crosses brought to the fires and thrown onto the flames, what does a Christian do? Well, aside from allowing it all to enflame your nerves so you are in constant pain from the stress of it, you find your rickety, old, knees, and you pray – and you pray hard. It has been suggested that in the next 90 or so days until this election, more and more horror will be seen. We call them “false flags.” They are there to distract us from what is really happening. Hillary Clinton will be testifying on Capital Hill in September. Did you even know? Ghislaine Maxwell will be testifying. Documents are being unsealed. Indictments are being unsealed. Child traffickers are being arrested and child trafficking rings around the country, and the world, are being taken down. Did you know? And one of the biggest things is that two former Presidents are being exposed – one as a child abuser and for crimes against humanity, and the other for TREASON. Have these made the news cycle? Nope. We are coming to a fork in the road, my friends. We have to choose which way we will go. Will we follow God or man? Good vs evil? Freedom vs slavery? I don’t want my grandchildren to ask me what it was like growing up in America when it was free, do you? I am not exaggerating any of this. This is what is wrong – the average person just does not see the bigger picture. Guess what? There are more fires and explosions today! France is afire in its forests. What is happening? More people were arrested. More testimony in Congressional hearings. I am out of napkins and onions and potatoes! The world is spinning and life is happening. But are we aware? Making grocery lists and listening to people lie before Congress. So incongruous. Please think about it seriously, because in amongst the mundane of daily life, evil is flourishing. Our future depends on all of us just saying no to what is happening. Just saying no to evil and yes to truth and freedom. Worldwide. November will be catastrophic if good people sit back and do nothing. We no longer have the luxury of being silent. It is time we were heard. It is time to take our country, and the world, back from evil and allow love and freedom and goodness to prevail – worldwide. Please take this seriously, because it is the most serious election in our history. Vote. Take part. Or explain to your grandchildren what freedom once was.


“…in the darkness…”

I love this meme. I have saved it and posted it on social media a lot. Because truly, I am over politics. It is just maneuvering and pressuring and positioning. Most of the time, even good people who become involved with politics find themselves corrupted in some way or another. Even down here at the local level, and state level. Nationally it is almost impossible to be on that playing field without compromise of some sort. I am not unavowedly conservative. I think most who read this get that. It is definitely not a secret. And this meme explains why I am involved in all this stuff. Because injustice has become commonplace. Ill perpetrated upon an unknowing populace are everyday processes for our news media and most in government. What happened to inalienable rights? Did you know that when a law goes against constitutional law, it is unlawful and does not have to be obeyed? Governors and mayors who decree, under pandemic extension of powers, that we cannot gather indoors, at all, are violating the constitution. We have the right to gather. It is an inalienable right. Did you know the constitution is there to protect us from over-reaching politicians and their brand of politics? THEY WORK FOR US.

When I was working for a county agency, at the executive level, many elected officials came and went out of my office. I handled delicate matters and it required a certain level of access. Not anyone could enter my office suite. Even elected officials had to make appointments and be allowed into our area. But we were instructed that if an elected official was walking the hallways, we were expected to move against the walls to allow them unfettered walking. They were not supposed to have to ask us to move out of their way…we were expected to do so because they were elected. I was furious. They were guys who graduated from college and started slapping hands and making themselves noticed in order to be elected. A vast majority of elected officials have NEVER HAD A JOB.

We were also told that if an official did not serve at least two terms, they were not able to do their jobs. The reasoning blew my mind. I was told this: (1) It takes someone at least the first year to just learn where everything is, and where everyone’s offices were located. Where to park, to eat, to get to their office. Where the conference rooms are located. Who their staff was. And to find their way through the governmental properties where the legislation is quartered. Trust me, it is easy to get lost at just the County level. (2) It takes at least two years to learn what they were elected to do. If they are a legislator, it takes at least two years to learn how the process in their legislative body works. How laws are proposed. The vocabulary required for writing legislation (You do know they do not write these legislative acts, or laws, or proposals? No. They have professionals who do nothing but write legislation. Yep. Hoodwinked. Ugh).  (3) It takes them two years to understand how to put together something (that supposedly their constituency has asked them to accomplish) that goes before the body for discussion and ruling. Then there are all the subcommittees and who is higher ranked and who you need to take your legislation to, in order to get the nod to move it forward. Think of the movie, “Evan Almighty” with Steve Carroll. He is a newsman who is elected to the Senate. And God has other plans for him. But he tries to go along with a “powerful” senator, played by John Goodman. The nuances in that movie realistically portray government stupidity. It is how things are! They made it a comedy to not bother you, but it is truth couched in comedy. (4) Once their two years or so of rookie legislator is up, they can begin to meld into an effective legislator. They know the “lay of the land,” they understand the process, they know where to park and where the cafeteria is. And then they can begin to put forth their opinion, to vote on things with some knowledge. They have become more well-read in all things pertaining to their elected office. They have hired and fired staff. They are ready to begin their stint as an elected official. But in the meantime, the world has been moving. Before you know it, it is election year and nothing happens in that year except speeches, and television interviews and pruning before your constituents, claiming all the things you have done for them. So they need another 4 years to be effective at what they do. But you and me? Do we get 4 years probation for a new job? Heck no. If I cannot perform my job within a six-month or so probationary period, I lose said job. And that included the work I was doing, at the executive level, for a county government. I was asked to take a sexual harassment training course, and pass the online course, on behalf of a legislator. Why? Because he was too busy and did not have the time to do it. Irony? I helped write and administer the program (so duh, I would not fail when taking it) and the other ironic part? This legislator is one of the ones who went on TV and gave interviews on the importance of sexual harassment training and sensitivity. Yeah; right. And he was a career politician on about his 4th cycle in office. Sigh.

On and on that 2- or 4-year cycle goes. And that is why no one in government wants term limits. They’re comfy with how the system works; they conquered their part of the cycle and they are in a rhythm. The problem (one of a myriad) is that politicians become complacent and lazy and caught up in their own news cycle. There is not an original thought among them. And they become beholden to outside influences. Just going to dinners, or being given theatre tickets from XYZ Corporation. Remember the movie with Kevin Costner early in his career called, “No Way Out” in 1987? (I know, it was a while back! LOL!). In this movie his girlfriend (played by Sean Young) is killed by her other, high ranking lover, who happens to be a Senator (played by Gene Hackman). In the movie, Kevin is able to prove she was killed by Gene by tracing a gift given to him by a foreign embassy. The senator had given it to his mistress, who he had provided an apartment in DC for, and who lavished her with gifts, often from foreign powers. And above all costs, the facts had to be hidden. The senator’s aid actually dies, claiming he had done it, to keep the senator’s name out of it, but truth always wins. And if you think stuff like this doesn’t happen in DC, you must live under a rock. Think Uranium 1; think Fisagate with lovers exchanging emails trying to take down a sitting President; think Hunter Biden and all the other children of diplomats and legislators who are involved with Burisma Holdings. It is a swamp. And truly, if we dig, we can find dirt on almost anyone in government from our local mayors to state senators, governors, and on to the members of Congress. We have Supreme Court justices with their names on Jeffrey Epstein’s flight logs. Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton, the Clinton Foundation, and just Haiti (not even going into the body count associated with those two). There is Obamagate. Yep. He spied on a campaign. He illegally spied. He let Benghazi happen, along with HRC.  On and on and on the dirt goes. It is sickening. And we have not even opened the box containing this week’s WayFair debacle with child trafficking. Thanks be to God we have a President who put that at the top of his list when taking office and has worked tirelessly to stop it. There is so much that is going to come out about Washington, DC and Hollywood. And it will be impossible to believe.

I have spent a few years, but most notably over the past two years, diving down some information rabbit holes that I never wanted to go down. (Ironically, HRC’s code name with the secret service is Alice in Wonderland). But I am glad I have looked and researched for myself. I am glad that I allowed myself to look and see and learn. I would rather not be uninformed and go through life living a lie, or with my head in the sand like an ostrich. I know things I did not know a few weeks ago. I know things I did not know growing up, which have permanently altered my world view. I wish I could ask for a refund from my university for making me study “facts” that were really slanted conjectures. I am very angry at Hollywood for destroying my memories, because so much of what they do is outright evil. I hate that I now know I have been brainwashed. It is called, “The Great Awakening,” and I think more and more people around the world are waking up to what our governments have been doing to us. And to the fact that the world is constantly in a battle of very basic things – good versus evil. That’s it in a nutshell. Something is inherently good, or inherently evil. Period. There really is no gray. If we allow gray, we slide into black and dark and evil. We must always be in the light of ultimate truth.



“Listen to the rhythm of the pouring rain…”

Life is a balancing act. Sometimes you can do it well, and people don’t even notice. They don’t notice how hard it was because you nailed it. LOL. Then there are those days where you look and feel like a drowned rat, and you feel done in. I get that; I truly do.

Today it is dark and pouring with rain. I normally wear flip-flops for months – as long as I possibly can – before the toes just get too cold and I know winter is around the corner. I get a tan line on my feet! Well, today I have my slippers on. Toes are cold. In and of itself, that is depressing. LOL.

Even the dog is sad, and was begging to be let outside in the pouring rain. I was able to deflect and gave him a good scratch, and he went back to sleep. Even the animals are sort of slumbering today. LOL.

So when I am sad or down, I love to organize and clean, or bake. I cleaned like a madwoman. I had help. A friend who is down on her luck and is a fantastic organizer and cleaner, comes twice a month to assist me. And I pay her. It is a win-win as far as I am concerned. So I cleaned my oven and stove. And I mean I cleaned it. I took it completely apart. But I found a cleaning hack – use Easy Off Oven Cleaner on everything. Take out your racks. Spray them with Easy Off. Stick them in a large trash bag. Ignore them for a couple of hours. Same with your cooktop grills and gas outlet covers. Stuff it in a bag, sprayed with Easy Off. Secure the bags and walk away from them for about 2 hours. Spray down the microwave. Let it set. Spray down your naked cooktop. Let it set until the foaming stops. Then just start wiping away grease and grime. It is so cathartic. I did the entire oven, too. Left it sprayed and cold and alone for 2 hours. In the meantime I’m scrubbing the cooktop cast iron and it is coming up so clean. The cooktop is shining. To get an extra shine, I finish off with window cleaner I got at Home Depot – you use 1 capful to a gallon of water. I use it on all my windows inside and out. And shining surfaces. It is a miracle – no streaks. Then my friend helped me pull out the refrigerator and clean behind it. Even the walls. We vacuumed the back and cleaned it; even wiping down the sides and the cabinets it is between, as well as the front. It looks so good. Next I’ll clean out the inside. That is for another day! LOL! So to help my sadness, ennui, or whatever it was, I cleaned. What do you do?

Today has been a miss-mash of pouring rain and glorious sunshine and clear skies. It is weird. So my energy directed me (with hubby’s prodding) to complete and file our taxes. Yeah; I am one of those who took advantage of the new tax day. Ours were so complicated that they scared me. But once I understood all the moving parts, it was fairly simple to complete, and I had done more of them than I thought I had. And so that chore is over and done with. Next up is planting some bushes that have been sitting where they belong through the rain, and use the sunshine to put them into the ground. And add some fertilizer to the surrounding plants that don’t look too happy. We are planning on it being a very colorful hedge some day. On the left is the purple leaf sand cherry and on the right is the burning bush. They are planted, interspersed with one another, at the street edge of our front yard. Should be interesting. The purple leaf sand cherry bushes are winning the growth race right now!


Chores are done. Even the laundry! Got clean sheets in the dryer! LOL! So I think my brain has exhausted my body. But when I slow down and think is when I get all maudlin. The world is just so insane right now. I am no longer a voting precinct co-chair, and my co-chair is not, either. And it makes me sad. But I just cannot agree to their restrictions without subsuming my rights. So their ultimatum was capitulate or your services are no longer required. So we both walked out. We both feel like our right to serve was taken away by the whims of one official. Not by popular vote. Not by legislative command or edict. But by one person’s opinion. And it is just not right. That is one thing.

My dad (93) and step mom (87) are both hospitalized (in different hospitals) with covid-strep-pneumonia. They were both in ICU. They are doing well. Both are sitting in chairs and out of the beds and both are eating well. My stepmom has a breathing thing in her nose; dad is fine and breathing on his own. They are tested daily for covid. Did you know that every test that is positive is counted as a new case? Even if it is for a person who already tests positive? Yeah. Did you know no one is in masks on the covid floor of the hospital, except staff? They have been in there for 3 days and Dad insists it is 3 weeks. Gotta love dementia. They are not allowed anything personal – no phone, clothing, books, iPads, magazines. A patient on the floor had to petition for his hearing aides because he is deaf!! And absolutely no visitors. In the dark places hidden in my brain, I feel like they are being kept at some gulag and will be disposed of when the hospitals have drained the last little bit of federal funding out of them. It is ridiculous. And I am angry at all of it. I just feel like we, as a culture, are being played. I’ll bet all the covid nonsense is gone by November 4th. All of it. Did you notice how no one is dying of the flu? Heart attacks? That swabs are being sent in that have not touched a person, and the results are coming back positive? Or people go to get in line (6 feet apart) to be tested and walk away because the line is too long or wait is too long, and yet they receive a notice their test was positive? C’mom, people!? Doesn’t your soul just itch with the idea something is not right???

I’ll just close with this: I think that most of us realize this is not the “new normal” and we do not accept an existence spent in fear, or distancing from loved ones, friends, and associates. We do not accept we cannot walk the beach or go to a concert or any of these ridiculous strangleholds those with some power are placing on our freedoms. Why is it okay to demonstrate violently without restrictions, but we cannot attend Church, or sing while we are there? Do you notice our right to worship is being trampled on? Do you notice we are being told what we can and cannot wear, and where we have to wear what “they” say? A woman was arrested for not wearing a mask. What is happening in this country? Do you get all your information from the TV? Do you think they are honest with you? That they news media is fully covering the issues? If they are censoring those with opposing views, doesn’t that tell you something? Have you looked at Hong Kong recently and seen their rights disappear? Watch out , my fellow citizens, or what you hold dear, the freedom to live as you choose, will be gone. The freedom to gather, to pray, to sing in Church will be erased. We are in an epic battle in this country and in this world. And it is for our souls. This election is all about right vs wrong, good vs evil, a democratic republic vs absolute and total tyranny. Hang on, it’s gonna get bumpy, my patriotic frens!