“Slip sliding away….”

Panic attack vocabulary

Most of the time, I come across as a happy-go-lucky woman who is happy with her life. And for the majority of the time, I am exactly what I seem. There are times, however, when things get to me and I walk around in a daze. I feel like the things in my head are going to make me insane. I feel my confidence and happiness “slip sliding away,” as the song lyrics go.

Whoa God knows, God makes his plan;

the information is unavailable to the mortal man.

We’re working our jobs, collecting our pay,

Believe we’re gliding down the highway, when we’re slip sliding away.

Slip sliding away;

You know the nearer your destination, the more you’re slip sliding away.

Simon and GARFUNKEL

And every so often, I think of this song as it applies to my life. It’s similar to the adage that when you strive to be closer to God, that’s when the devil slips closer, in order to steal your soul from God. I had a priest once admonish me to never pray for patience, because “that’s when all hell breaks loose.” Things will go chaotic all around you, so you can learn to be patient. Patience is not a gift; it is a learned response to your surroundings. And God loves us to learn things for ourselves.

symptoms and signs

I have been having this latent response to Covid, which simulates some of the symptoms of panic attacks – the trembling and some sort of “electric” sensation on my skin, along with an accelerated heart rate. But it is nothing compared to a full-on panic attack. I woke at 5:30am the other morning, sure that I was dying or the world was ending. Something catastrophic was coming my way. And unlike the leftovers from Covid, it did not end when I got up. I left hubby snoring, but the dogs and I went to the living room. I tried praying. Then I remembered my deep breathing exercises I was taught in the hospital. That seemed to help. But quite honestly, it took the constant repetition of the Jesus Prayer to get me calmed down, and about an hour of it, too, combined with breathing in and out as I prayed. Being steadfast and consistent in prayer was a blessing for me that morning!

Jesus Prayer

I was recently able to share this prayer with a friend. In the eastern churches, we do not commonly pray the Rosary, nor do we use the rosary prayer beads. Instead, we have prayer ropes. They are known as “chotki” in the Greek. There are many types of them. But as you touch each knot, you pray the Jesus Prayer. Hundreds of them a day. The Roman Catholic Saint, Jose Maria Escriva, who founded Opus Dei (the Work of God) said that all tasks, all work, all day can be a prayer to God and can assist you towards sanctification. If you dedicate your works during the day to God, they become holy. And you mindfully ask God to consider the works of your hands as a holy work for Him. You elevate the simplest tasks to holy ones, by dedicating them to God. In the same way, the Jesus Prayer helps us dedicate our life, our works, our thoughts, our moments, to God.

Large and small prayer ropes

As I was panicking, I imagined myself grabbing those knots on my prayer rope (mine was in our bedroom with my snoring husband). I wear the smaller wrist style above. The larger one is usually worn by clergy, as it has 150 knots. But I know lay people who also wear them. The villain in the Iron Man movie, played by Mickey Rourke, wore the 150-knot prayer rope wrapped around his wrist. I spotted it the last time we watched the movie, and smiled. He may have been a villain, but the man prayed! LOL!

Genesis 2

One of the many images floating around my head at 5:30am was this one. The Flat Earth as depicted in Genesis 2 in the Bible. I have many friends who are now espousing this theory, versus our learned globe and universe and solar system, etc. My dad immigrated to the USA to work on the space program. And I’ve written about this in previous posts. But now more information is coming out and I am trying to remain open to what I do not know. To what is possible, even probable. And to allow myself to explore what I have been taught my entire life, in light of different information. I majored in Forensic Anthropology and Physiology, with a minor in Biblical Archeology. I want a refund. I am learning so much and my brain is totally like the emoji…

My exploding brain!!

This is just one topic waking me up. There are so many red pills and rabbit holes to explore. And so many things that do not add up with what I was taught. The “Great Awakening” is what is happening to so many of us. Our former reality is slip sliding away. Truly.

True World Map by Geographical Size

Another one of the images in my head is this map. If you take the measurements of each country and each continent, and you map them out, there is a big difference between what we are used to seeing and reality. “Ego-centric,” “Christo-centric,” “Ethno-centric” are all terms that are used when we look at modern maps. Europeans drew them. Africa was much smaller than the USA, for example. Or Greenland! It’s barely visible! Look at the above map and then go look at a modern one. It boggles the mind. On and on this whirlwind of discovery goes. More and more truths are being revealed. And more will come out.

It’s the ultimate…

The economy is tanking, and it’s on purpose. The world’s food supply is being sabotaged, also on purpose. The elites are panicking and trying to hold on to their mythical power over us common folk. There are some on the world stage who say “enough is enough” and want to save our cultures and our mores before they disappear into the transgendered, inherently evil, multi-verse known to some as the “NWO,” or “New World Order.” Many of our presidents have spoken in public about helping to “usher in the New World Order.” President Bush Sr. was one of them. Clinton. Bush Jr. Obama. Biden (Well, he doesn’t truly say a whole lot – he is just not capable). Needless to say, things are heating up and us little peons, the debt slaves, are getting the brunt of the moves in this chess game. And quite honestly, it keeps me awake. I worry. Incessantly. And it brings on these panic attacks.

Isn’t that lovely???

But if you refuse to serve the Lord, then choose today whom you will serve. Will you prefer the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates? Or will it be the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you now live? But for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.

Joshua 24:15

I cannot help but think God is in all things…even the way our history has been distorted. The way He has allowed us to be manipulated. Because if it is all served on a platter, we will not appreciate, nor value, what He gives us. Can you imagine walking streets of gold, being happy all the time, praising God like breathing in and out? Heaven! But, as I stated above, God loves us to learn for ourselves. And I am learning so much – exploding brains and panic attacks! Would I prefer the easier route? You betcha! But there is a great saying, and I believe it is important to keep at the forefront of all of this chaos and noise:

The road to hell and the stairway to heaven…hmmmm….

And today, as I started to panic, I straightened the house, I folded laundry, I started dinner, and I prayed – over and over again, “Lord Jesus Christ, son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.” With the way the world is careening out of our norm, I do think prayer is paramount. That and a well-stocked pantry. Because things are going to get much worse, before they can get better. The evil has been running rampant all over this world for generations – it’s going to take real effort to defeat it. I may not be on the “frontlines,” but I can do what I can to share information, and the best thing I can do is arm myself and pray.

The Armor of God

“Therefore, do not worry…”

I awoke in full panic mode. I was having a hard time breathing, my heart was pounding, and I was sweating. “How are we going to do this?” This is the third night in our new home. It is an amazing house. The situation of the property is incredible. I feel like I am in a park. Our dog is having a hard time adjusting to eating and going potty. She is intimated, I think, by all the wildlife around her. We have no fencing – just an acre of green – trees, wild roses, and all sorts of birds – a frog hopped across my foot as I got out of my car last night. When I took the dog out for her morning poop, she squatted and looked all around her, eventually poo-ing in a circle. I think she was worried a moose would pop out of the wooded area in the back. It was hysterical to watch. And our cat? She is just all messed up. Meowing all through the night, off and on, wandering all over. She loves to watch the wildlife outside the windows. I just wish she would let me sleep. I am exhausted. And so panicking seems on par. Ha-Ha!

We have been praying for a place to put down roots, where we never have to leave, and where we could gracefully grow old together. A place where we had room to entertain our family and friends, where my husband could “putter” and where I could just relax in nature. And we never thought, after all the issues we have had financially because of poor economic health in our nation, that we could buy a house, again. We really thought we would rent indefinitely. And we also thought the American Dream was a dead idea, whose day had passed. But somehow we qualified. Somehow, the lenders had faith in us and our ability to care for this property. We attended a course offered through our state housing authority and that qualified us for all sorts of programs, and it also informed us about the process of buying a home. The laws have changed since 2008! Not only have we lived in 3 states since that time, but the world of home buying changed a lot. Far more protection for the buyers! Yay! And there is a lot of grant money to be had out there. (Go check it out!).

As I ponder the view from my window – sorry for the poor quality – I know that because we have prayed for this, and because so many people have approved this move, we are going to be okay. Somehow we will make this work. I panic every month, wanting to be sure our bills are all paid and it has finally paid off – stellar credit and our dream home. So why worry? “I keep waiting for that other shoe to drop” is what I keep telling our realtor. He laughs and says I need to stop and just enjoy our home. I guess he is right. Maybe once I get past all these darn boxes, I will feel better. There are just so many of them!! LOL!

My kids (keep laughing, Kathleen and Bryce) have given me such a hard time, as have my friends (I am so grateful, Tina) and even my brother (thanks, Mark) for saving boxes. Not just any box, mind you; the boxes all the things I own came in. Like coffee makers, the computer, our phones, a rice cooker, etc. I keep them all, just in case I need to return them, or to use when we move. (“Mom, you have a Nokia phone box? They don’t even make phones anymore!!!”). The kicker is that when we came across these boxes, we had already packed the item, or it was 2-3 versions ago (notoriously go through coffee makers!!). And so I have vowed to finally get rid of them all, because this is my last move. Ever. I have resolved that this is my dream home, and I am calling it my casket house. I will be taken out of here in a casket…but not with boxes.

I am learning to purge things from my life I have hung on to, for some weird reasons, and just let them go. I am not sure why I have some of the stuff I do have, and why I kept what I did. Kind of makes me laugh. And a bright side is that when I was setting up our trash service, the gal told me about how they recycle all the cardboard and paper and bubble wrap right next to the dump. She said, “Why pay to drop it off when you can get paid to drop it off?” Sounds good to me – even more incentive to get rid of boxes I have held on to.

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air: They do not sow or reap or gather into barns—and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his lifespan?

And why do you worry about clothes? Consider how the lilies of the field grow: They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his glory was adorned like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans pursue all these things, and your Heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Today has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6: 25-34

And so I am trying to let it all go and let God handle my anxiety. Because I do trust Him. When I try to take things back into my own hands is when the panic appears. So I take a deep breath and I unpack another box, adding it to our recycling pile. We can do this. We are settling in, making this our home, and praising God we have this little corner of the world for our own.