So I am awake. I have been since 3:30am. I hate when my brain wakes me up. Well, and my stomach. LOL. The two work in tandem on sleepless nights. I had another panic attack. And it gets my stomach acids churning. I get up and put my oils on, waiting for the pain and acidic feeling to go away. I apply some lavender, as it is a calming scent and I can usually waft off to sleepy-land. Not today. Ugh. Sometimes I get overwhelmed and I just sort of freak out. I can feel them coming on and I have a pretty onerous chat with myself. I berate myself and tell myself how silly this whole thing is. That my health will suffer if I allow these episodes to continue. And I pray. I am rattling off parts of the Rosary; I am practically chanting the Jesus Prayer (Jesus, son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner). Today, I added some Geranium oil and I love the scent. It is called the “poor man’s rose” because rose oil is so expensive. But I find I rather like the scent…it is not as heady as rose. And I head to my recliner (called a “push back” because there are no handles on the sides) and plug in my new electric blanket. The winds are howling. The outdoor Christmas lights are just about to go on…and I try to settle in. I try to relax. I drink lots of water and it seems to help. I added Panaway on my tummy and it is helping, too. My kitty climbs up and wants to cuddle. I don’t want my mom to get up and see that I am awake, or she will be up for the day. Otherwise, she will toddle off to bed and be asleep for a few more hours. So every time I hear an odd noise, I shut my laptop. LOL. So sneaky of me.
And worrying is constant. I worry I am not enough. That I am choosing the wrong things to do. That I am letting people down. That I am overweight and need to drop 100 pounds, and I had the best intentions, and then ate some Oreos (also known as sugar crack). I am digging myself a hole and I am not sure why. The electric blanket sure is wonderful, and the tiredness I feel is pulling at me. But when I shut my laptop and try to doze off, my brain gets going again. And I am right back at my 3:30am panic. I have prayed for peace. I have sought peace. And it is elusive. They say that caregivers’ health declines with the person they are caring for, and quite often die early due to the stress. I can see that. But it is only a facet of my life. It is not my entire life. It is certainly isolating. But I had a wonderfully full day yesterday, filled with grandchildren and my kids, my mom, and laughter. We had fun. So why panic? Ugh.
Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air: They do not sow or reap or gather into barns—and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his lifespan?
And why do you worry about clothes? Consider how the lilies of the field grow: They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his glory was adorned like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?
Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans pursue all these things, and your Heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Today has enough trouble of its own. (Luke 12:22-34)
And these words give me comfort. As I read them, I relaxed. The thing I know is that I am not in this alone. But as a stupid human, full of free will, I take it all on. More than I need to. The grass is here, then cut, and thrown into the furnace. It is gone. Like our worries. LOL. So easy to say; so hard to do. Yesterday, I wanted to feel carefree and not be a worrier. I died parts of my hair purple. And this time, it took. And after it was done, I was glad it was not permanent color. It is wacky and fun, silly and stupid. Like so many other decisions we make in split seconds and have to live with for years. At least it is temporary color. LOL. Other choices have much further, long reaching consequences. And that is where I hit my wall. And where my worry turns into panic and sleepless nights and stomach upset. I am digging my own, early grave, and I need to break this cycle. Truly I do. My kitty is purring and digging in next to me. I am drowsy. Maybe I can do this sleep thing. I am going to try. I cannot add a single hour to my lifespan, as Luke reminds us above, by worrying. I need to engrave that on my heart, my mind, and my soul.